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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

The Confession

A Frenchman goes to his priest for confession. "Father I have sinned. "What is it my son?"

"During the war I hid a Jew in my attic."

The Priest said "You did a noble thing, why are you upset?"

The Frenchman said "I asked him for money for his food every week."

The Priest said "There was nothing wrong with that. It was hard times,and you were not a rich man. Go in peace."

"One more thing," said the Frenchman. "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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New Yiddish Words

1. MISHPOCHADOTS n.

The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

2. RE-SHTETLEMENT n.

Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

3. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n.

A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

4. YIDENTIFY v.

To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

5. MINYASTICS n.

Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

6. FEELAWFUL n.

Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially fellafel.

7. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb.

To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

8. IMPASTA n.

A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

9. KINDERS SHLEP v.

To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

10. SHOFARSOGUT n.

The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

11. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n.

An appetizer one finds out has pork.

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Kosher Limericks

CONVERSION

There once was a guy from Troy,
A religiously committed boy;
But the thought of circumcision
Altered his decision,
And he chose to remain a GOY

(This limerick is from Miriam Biskin's forthcoming book, "Jewish Limericks")

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Taking Advice

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

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If You Give Advice

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

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Three X Two = Seven

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

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What Happened to the Money?

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat did you do with the money?"

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Groaner

There has been a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died and his funeral was held this week.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.

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I Can Believe It

Three elderly gentlemen, each with hearing loss, were playing golf. After while the first man says, "It's windy today."

The second man replies, "No, I think it's Thursday."

The third man says, "I am too. Let's go have a beer."

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A YIDDISH POEM

It's good to keep the language alive.

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,

A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,

My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,

Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.

And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,

But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better

(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)

But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,

No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,

Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,

So much better than "a pill" is to call someone 'farbissener'.

Or - that a brazen woman would be better called Choleria,

And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,

But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,

To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,

But you are speaking narishkeit.....

And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

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