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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Becoming a Jewish Man

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

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Synagogue Bulletins...

These sentences actually appeared in bulletins or were announced in services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the religion help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Such Nachas!!

Rifka and Beckie were talking about their children. Rifka asked Beckie how her daughter was.

"Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."

Rifka replied, "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."

Beckie continued, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."

"A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer, "Rifka exclaimed, "OY VEY! All this naches from just one daughter!"

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Guy Pride Weak

Yankel has a problem. He's a bedwetter. Now that he is approaching shiduch. age, he's 21 years old, his buddy, Nate says to him, "Look, Yankel, you gotta take care of the problem. Here's the number to a good shrink, he's supposed to be good with this kind of stuff"

Well a couple of months pass, and Nate bumps into Yankel in the shtibel, and asks him "nu, Yankel, vus is geshen? Did you ever see that doctor I told you about?" "yeah!" says Yankel, enthusiastically.

"Well, what happened? Did you stop wetting the bed?"

"NO! I didnt." answers Yankel. "But now I am PROUD of it!"

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Jewish Oyster?

Definition of an Oyster: (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

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Braille

Moshe is sitting on a park bench having a little nosh of matzohs. Along came a blind man and sat next to him.

Feeling sorry for the blind man, Moshe handed him a piece of matzoh.

The blind man rubbed his fingers over it then said with disdain "Who wrote this rubbish?"

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I Got My Own Package

Moshe is sitting on park bench. After awhile Yankele came along and sat down next to him. Not a word was exchanged for several hours.

Finally Yankele heaved an enormous sigh. Moshe turned to him and said "Please don't tell me your troubles. I got enough of my own!"

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Interfaith Competition

The Pope and the chief rabbi got together to discuss how to show the world they could get on. The cardinal suggested a game of golf. The rabbi agreed and left.

After he had gone the Pope said to the cardinal "what on earth do we know about golf". The cardinal answered "nothing. but if we get a pro, ordain him as a priest, then he can play. We can get Arnold Palmer."

"Good" said the pope not having a clue who Palmer was. The game ended with a huge defeat for the church. The pope called the rabbi to congratulate him then asked

"Our priest was a champ. How did you beat him? Who was playing for you?"

The rabbi answered "Rabbi Tiger Woods".

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The Texas Cholent Baking Contest

Below is a true report that was submitted to the Jewish Magazine of a Cholent Tasting Contest in Texas: Judge #3 was an inexperienced Cholent taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Cholent cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the Cholent wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Cholent # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHOLENT...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Cholent # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHOLENT...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of beef. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Cholent # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHOLENT...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Cholent. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Cholent # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Cholent with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Cholent.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Cholent an aphrodisiac?

Cholent # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Cholent. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Cholent using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Cholent had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Cholent # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Cholent. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Cholent # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHOLENT...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Cholent with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Cholent peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with Cholent, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Cholent # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHOLENT......

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Cholent. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Cholent. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the Cholent pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot Cholent?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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What's Happening Here?

ighty-four-year-old Morris was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A policeman arrived on the scene and, glancing at the victim, and not realizing that he is Jewish, he immediately called for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrived first and, bending over Morris, he asked, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

Morris lifted his head, opened his eyes wide and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. "I am lying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles."

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