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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!


A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents? each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but he never took a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a very good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

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A Semi-True Story

When Golda Meir held the office of Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority.

He sent her a letter: "I would like to inform you that I'm first an American citizen, second Secretary of State and third a Jew."

She responded: "In Israel when we read, we start from the other direction!"

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So Stop it!!

Rabbi Sam Wolfson was giving his speech to the Jewish federation about the "Tragedy of Jewish Inter-Marriage" with non-Jews.

Toward the end of his long speech the Rabbi clapped his hands...waited 10 seconds...and clapped his hands again.

The Audience looked puzzled. The Rabbi then explained that every time he clapped his hands some Jew married a non-Jew.

Immediately Morris jumped up from his seat in the audience and shouted, "Nu...So Stop Wid Your Clapping!"

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Subject: Test Your Yiddish Skills

(answers are at the end)

1) Which one of these people might best be described as "zoftig?"

    A) Callista Flockhart

    B) Lara Flynn Boyle

    C) Kirstie Alley

    D) Woody Allen

2) You're driving around in eckveldt (the boondocks) and have no idea where you are. You are:

    A) farblunget

    B) farklempt

    C) fartoost

    D) farshvitzed

3) You found it! The Holy Grail! A $2000 designer dress for just $39.95! You've found a:

    A) mechaiyeh

    B) mishpucheh

    C) machashafer

    D) metziah

4) Which one of these people has a "ferbisseneh punim?"

    A) Michael Jackson

    B) Leona Helmsley

    C) Barbara Walters

    D) Julia Roberts

5) He eats like a pig and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He emits gas and picks his nose at the dinner table. He curses like a drunken sailor. He's a real:

    A) shnorror

    B) gonif

    C) grubber yung

    D) mensch

6) Which of these are NOT a body part?

    A) poulkie

    B) potchki

    C) pupik

    D) punim

7) Which of these are NOT an insult:

    A) shana maydel

    B) shmegeggie

    C) shmendrik

    D) shlub

8) You've gone to a wild party where you've been downing vodka jello shots like candy. You can barely stand up anymore, and you've made a fool of yourself in front of everyone you know. You are totally, completely:

    A) fershtayst

    B) farblunget

    C) ferchadded

    D) fershikert

9) Which of these things would you never find at a kosher restaurant?

    A) shmaltz

    B) luckshen kugel

    C) treyf

    D) kasha varnishkes

10) Of these various uses of "kishka", which one is incorrect?

    A) "Yes, waiter. I'll have the roast chicken with a side order of kishka."

    B) "That Yetta, she's such a piece of kishka!"

    C) "After twenty years of keeping secrets, he finally went to a shrink and spilled my kishkas."

    D) "If anyone ever tried to mug me, boy, I'd give him such a chamalyiah in the kishkas!"

Answers to Quiz:

Question 1 = c

Question 2 = a

Question 3 = d

Question 4 = B

Question 5 = c

Question 6 = B

Question 7 = a

Question 8 = d

Question 9 = c

Question 10 = B

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Double Deal

A guy got his bill for the therapist for $1,000. He called him up and said, “I thought your treatment for my schizophrenia was only $500.”

The psychiatrist replied, “That’s right, $500…each!”

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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your pasta quattro formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

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Subject: Medical Politics

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some A _ _ hole in administration.

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It Really Happened!

A general noticed one of his Israeli soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The army psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge paper from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: " Oy, oy...That's it."

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    - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

    - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

    - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

    - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

    - An office filled with cubicles.

    - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

    - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

    - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

    - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

    - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

    - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

    - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

    - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. I often feel like doing this to my computer......

    - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 :
    - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

    - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

    - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS :
    - Well-Off Older Folks.

    - Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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