Code Name: Kibbitz
By Rifka Freida
I heard not too long ago on a cable news network that the United States government is bringing in women to interrogate prisoners at Guantanimo Bay Detention Camp. What is not generally known is that Edith Schwartz, a seventy year old Hadassah Volunteer of the Year who is slightly hard of hearing, has been brought in to "crack the toughest nuts." There are accusations that Edith, (code name: Kibbitz) uses tactics that constitute cruel and unusual punishment. The United Nations is currently looking into allegations and will soon file a report. A transcription of one of those interrogations was recently leaked
Ethel eases herself into a chair. The prisoner, a young Muslim man, sits belligerently on the other side of the interrogation booth.
Ethel: "So, I hear you are a big man among the terrorists. Mazel Tov."
Prisoner: "Don't talk to me. You are the mother of a dog."
Ethel: Oh. You must know my son. Graduated law school summa cum laude and now sits in a tree house all day long and ponders the world. But a dogno." When it comes to his wife don't get me started. "
Prisoner: "Allah spits on you!"
Ethel: Spitz? Spitz you say? I knew a Spitz from Ohio. A proctologist. Verrrry successful."
Prisoner: "Go away from here. Why are you bothering me? I refuse to talk:"
Ethel: "Some of our greatest sages were men who refused to talk and let me tell you, people listened."
Prisoner: "Pig, pig, pig!"
Ethel: "I'm sorry. I only know from kosher."
The prisoner starts to pull at his hair and ramble in Arabic.
Ethel: A boy who prays? Very nice! This I like to see. Now, let's put the tuchus on the table. What is a nice boy like you doing making bombs for a living? You call this a living? Your mother must be worried sick. Give me her number and I'll call her and together we'll see what we can do."
Prisoner: "Don't speak of my mother. You aren't fit to lick my mother's shoes!"
Ethel: "Pardon me but I can't make out what you're saying. Your mother runs a shoe store? I'm 6AAA. Narrow like a princess. But why the fuss about my feet? Are you married? I'm guessing no. I know of a nicer Muslim girl, a friend of my daughter, really lovely and very devout."
The prisoner vaults from his chair and pounds on the glass booth for the guard.
"Guard! Come quickly! Get this woman away from me. I'll talk!!"
Ethel: Talk? What a coincidence. God works in such mysterious ways. I just happen to have a son who is a brilliant defense lawyer currently out of work
Note: Edith continues to work for the CIA and FBI except for Sabbath, holidays and the big two-day blow out sale at Filene's Basement. Her name has been changed to protect her identity, but she wants you to know that her people included many famous rabbis and several self-made millionaires who made their fortunes when "money meant something." She lives in Brooklyn, New York when she's not visiting her daughter and grandchildren in New Jersey.
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For more Humorous Stories, see our Humorous Stories Archives
from the January 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine