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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!


Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant in very good health, for just one hundred dollars."

Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"

"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."

"You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it ," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it ."

But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that anymore."

"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heck will I keep an elephant?"

"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only $50 extra."

Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"

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The Robbery

Morris the jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked Morris. "Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. ...."He had a stocking over his head."

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The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:


"Honey, It's me."


"Are you at the club?"


"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new one at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $80,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! before we hang up, something else..."


"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning, and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $850,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $750,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do, too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Er... Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Wal-Mart downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Wal-Mart is recycled wool. This original is made of 100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

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The Best of Doctors

Morris was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. Hymie Cohen is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."

"You don't say! How was that?"

"I was very sick and called Dr. Rabinowitz. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Morty Levy. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.

"Then I called Dr. Cohen. He had no time to come. That's how Dr. Cohen saved my life."

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For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the séance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next séance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"

A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until " So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

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You Know You're a Mother When ...

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

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The Wish Fairy

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary Married couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"......said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Remember: Men might be bastards But Fairies are Female!

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The Shidduch

Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young man, can you support a family?"

Howard is surprised by this question and replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I can’t. But I’m only planning to support your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without my help."

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Guardian Angel

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

"Yes!" Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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from the March 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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