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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

The Jewish Bee

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."

"Uh great, but what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

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Wisdom of Sam Levinson

"A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi."

"Behind every successful Jew stands a bigot who could not stop him."

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Where is He??

A Hebrew school teacher asked his students. "Where is God?"

The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond. "Okay, Moshe, Where is God?"

"He is everywhere,"

"Very good that’s right." But still there were two children that didn’t put their hands down, so the teacher continued. "Okay, Michael, Where is God?"

"God is inside me."

"Very good that’s right."

Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him. "Okay, Daniel, Where is God?"

"He’s in our bathroom."

Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he’s in the bathroom?"

The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, “My God are you still in there? "

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Common Language for the European Union

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.


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Pointless Ponders

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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"Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed... then they started drifting apart."

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From the Mouth of Babe's

A fifth grade teacher asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

God is like
He' s the real thing.

God is like
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like
He has everything.

God is like
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like
the heart beat of America

God is like
Maxwell House
Good to the very last drop

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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

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Only Twice, Please

There are only 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

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The Oldest Problem in the World

Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie.
They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
The problem was getting Ken to listen.

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from the May 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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