Jewish Humor and Joke Page



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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Airline Incident

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a middle-aged, well-to-do woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa. She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

'What seems to be the problem Madam?' asked the attendant.

You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person. Find me another seat!'

'Please calm down Madam.' the attendant replied. 'The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.'

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the attendant returned. The woman could not help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

The flight attendant then says...'Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.'

Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues...'It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such a person.'

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: 'So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class ready for you...'

The lady says indignantly 'I think that The Captain must have made some kind of mistake.'

To which the attendant replied,' No M'am. Captain Cohen never makes any mistakes.'

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Israel's 60th

The state of Israel turned 60 this year. It won't be long before it moves to Florida.

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Mother Obsession

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

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Mother Again

A man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?"


"Oops, I have the wrong number."

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The Chasid in the Bar

A Chasid with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender stares at the frog in amazement and asks, “Where did you get him?”

The FROG answers, “In Williamsburg; they’re all over the place.”

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In Hebrew School

A Jewish school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Old Songs, Biblical Singers

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Samson: "Hair"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

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Secret of Success

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."

The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

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Advantage of Old Age for the Sixties Generation

I don't do drugs anymore...
I get the same effect just standing up fast.

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On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

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Not Jewish, but cute...

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,

he replied, "Monsieur, zat is the reason I stole de paintings.

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have de Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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from the June 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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