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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

What on Earth...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says . 'Me training for position in ISRAEL KNESSET - Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day

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A Iranian Jew wants to immigrate to Israel.

The local Imman calls him in for questioning: 'Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your synagogue?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Iraninans?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you practice your profession?'

'Can't complain.'

'Then why do you want to go to Israel?'

'Because over there I CAN complain!

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Walking can add minutes to your life each day. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is!

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, because I'll more than just over the hill, I'm going down hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! AND every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour. By the time I leave, I look just fine!

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How the Stock Market Works

Once upon a time in a jungle village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought hundreds at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

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Sounds Real...

Bernie is walking down a street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of “Moshe's Kosher Emporium”


So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.

"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.

"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."

"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "We wrote it that way on purpose. Each day we get around a dozen people coming in here to point this out to us. People so wise careful about the English language also are discriminating about their furnishings. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

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Knowing How to Give a Speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. But it turned out the rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall to the ground.

They weren't able to choose that person, until one older man gave a very touching speech. That person said that he would voluntarily drop off the rope, because, as a Jewish person he could not be responsible for bringing down the helicopter. He said that as a refugee he was used to giving up everything in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as he finished his speech, all the others started clapping.

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Being Thankful...

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

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Noah Did Not Fish

A Hebrew school teacher asked, 'Moshele, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Moshele, 'How could he, with just two worms.'

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Synagogue Bulletins...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Temple basement Friday at 7 PM.

The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Another Synagogue Mess....age

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Temple Sinai on Tuesday. Please use the double doors at the side entrance.

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from the November 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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