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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Worse than death...

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest.

"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously.

"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much."

"Father, you are correct."

"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.

"Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost" said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property."

"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"

Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest.

Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.

"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side.

Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught.

"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi, "Robbers?"

"No, even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorrers!"

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Solve Family Problems

A man I know solved the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

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A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

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Obviously a Jewish Mother

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

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Can you pass this test?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would....







pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Jewish Quote du Jour

"I was raised in the Jewish tradition. Taught never to marry a Gentile woman, never to shave on Saturday, and most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday." -- Woody Allen

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Evening Prayers:

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"

Then Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"

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There is the story of a Rabbi who got up one Saturday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets."

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A Sign of the Times

The Temple president approaches a guest in the Shul and says, “I want to give you an “Aliyah”, what is your name?”

The man answers, “Esther bat Moshe.”

The president says, “No, that's a woman's name; I need your name.”

“It's Esther bat Moshe,” the man says.

“How can that be your name?”

The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything is now in my wife's name.”

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IRS time

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don't you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It's not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling. “Well...we also deliver.”

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from the January 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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