Humor in a Jewish Vein - the Jewish Magazine Humor Page, funny jokes and stories



   
    August 1998          
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With Special Thanks to Sid Kliener...

Jewish View on When Life Begins:

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school


An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver.

Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."

Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."

Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."


A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


A Cowboy's Guide To A Happy Life

1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good, that he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

8. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

9. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

10. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

11. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

12. Always drink upstream from the herd.

13. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

14. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

15. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

16. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

17. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

18. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


A rabbi retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The rabbi asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The rabbi increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the rabbi pulling on the engine starter rope.

The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the rabbi yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The rabbi rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a rabbi and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Rabbi, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."


It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.

"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.

"We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.

Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

"Please step inside Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max," but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.

However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:

HI - NORM - MAX


A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.


It was announced that Wurlitzer is merging with Xerox.

They are going to market ... reproductive organs.


Another merger is in the works between A&P and Stop and Shop. The new company will be known as Stop and P.


And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape which would have brought us Net'n'yahoo


SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


"Israeli Wins Lottery!"

A Israeli buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Israeli says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Israeli said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Israeli, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!


This guy goes into the bar every night and orders three beers. In fact every night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every night. Not two. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order two beers, or four beers; always three."

The guy says "Yes, there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer at night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it, the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs."

The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Night after night this guy now orders only two beers. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."

The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon Church and I can't drink beer any more."


A human being was successfully cloned in Holland. It was perfect in every way, except no matter what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures and language. Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project pushed him out of a window, and the clone fell to his death.

Since he wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the scientist should be charged. They finally charged him with making an "obscene clone fall".


A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held for him. The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Oh yeah?" said the frog, "Where will I meet her? At a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her next semester, in Biology lab!"


ADAM'S RIB

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam what was wrong. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God decided he would give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God told Adam that the woman would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache, and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God what a woman like this would cost him.

God told him, "An arm and a leg."

Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history!


A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her Rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.

"Bloomindales!" the Rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"

"Because then I know that my daughter will come to visit at least two times a week!"

~~~~~~~

from the August 1998 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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