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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Reality Check

One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”

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In the Garden of Eden...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

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On the Green...

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "Listen, my eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?"

The second guy says, "Sure! Don’t worry, I have eyes like an eagle. Wherever you’ll hit it, I’ll find it. Go ahead and hit."

So the first old man steps up to the tee and much to his amazement, hits the drive of his life. As it lands he turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"

"Sure!" says his buddy.

"Where did it go?" the first guy asks.

The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

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the Cantor Cant Chant

A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

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Marriage in the Old Age Home

A rabbi was called to a local Jewish nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" he asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.

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The Great Jewish Head...

Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it starts to rain and no little sprinkle either but a real shower. It just so happens that Moshe is carrying an umbrella. "Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open the umbrella."

"It won't do us any good," says Moshe. "It's full of holes."

"So why then did you bring it?" says Shlomo.

"Because," Moshe says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."

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New Airline Special...

A new airline is offering nude flights. The flights are great for flight attendants. It makes it easier to spot the guy who ordered the kosher meal

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Morris and Sam

Morris and Sam have been at odds all year. However, before Yom Kippur, they decide to forgive each other for any unkind actions and thoughts. "And," says Morris, "I wish for you, what you would wish for me."

Sam yelled, "Are you starting again?"

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Myron was a frequent user of a pay telephone near the deli by his new apartment. He was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After a week of no repairs, Myron called the phone company again. This time he said, “Don’t worry about that phone repair I called in – there’s no rush. The phone is working fine now... except that all money is being returned at the end of each call.”

Lo and behold, a repairman arrived within the hour!

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What I learned in Hebrew School

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

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from the February 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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