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    April 2009 Passover Edition            
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K'vetch, we need you!

Picture a nerdy looking man named Herbert sitting at the Passover seder table.

He speaks: "Why do I hafta sit at the kids' table This stinks!! This really stinks!!"

Moral: . . . No seder would be complete without the bitter Herb.

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Pass Over dis Quiz

Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

A: So we can Seder right words.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A: A matzochist.

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Extra Question:

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?

A: A girl.

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on the phone...

A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Oops, sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number."

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Did you hear about

the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?"

the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?

the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!*

the rabbi who took a job at a Duracell battery factory. His only job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

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Israeli Percision

From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum. "That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.

"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.

"That's easy," said the guide. "I've been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."

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Bubbie Bragging

Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, " You know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"

The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games....."

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Who is a Jew?

When Paul Newman died, they said how great he was, but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (born half-Jewish).

When the woman (Helen Suzman) who helped Nelson Mandela died, they said how great she was but they failed to mention she was Jewish.

When Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov. Ryan, and Gov. Blagojevich messed up, no one told me what religion or denomination they were -- they were not Jewish.

When Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, every article mentioned they were Jewish.

This reminds me of a famous Einstein quote:

In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the Sorbonne, the prestigious French university. "If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist. If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew."

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A Good Doctor can Tell

The patient enters his psychiatrist office with a banana in one ear, a cucumber in the other and a carrot in each nostril. He says, "Doc, what's wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist looks him over and then he says, "I think I know what's wrong with you. You're not eating properly."

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Jacob and Rebecca get Married

Jacob, age 82, and Rebecca, age 79, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the manager?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds ."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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~~~~~~~

from the April 2009 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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