Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2009            
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Irving and the Rest...

Irving goes into a restaurant and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant.

"Wait a second," the manager shouts after him. "You have not paid for your blintzes."

"What are you talking about?" Irving says. "Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."

"Yes," says the manager, "but you did not pay for the latkes either."

"Why should I pay for them?" asks Irving. "I didn't eat them."

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Good Suggestion

A therapist had his first session with a new patient. “What seems to be the matter?” he asked.

The new patient answered, "I have this ringing in my ears. What should I do?"

The therapist stroked his beard, thought a while and then responded, "Don't answer it!"

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Good News - Bad News

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's a picture of you with your mistress."

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While Down South...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The excited man asked, “Tell me, tell me, how do they taste???”

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

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A child's prayer - very touching!

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...Amen!!!

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Was it Your Wife or Mine???

One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.

"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."

"That's still too expensive," Betty says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."

"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."

"Marvelous," says the woman, "book my husband for next Tuesday!"

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A Punny Joke

Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?

A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin

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A Classic

Two brothers, identical twins, joined a shul and decided to take out only one subscription and that each would go on alternate weeks and nobody would notice the difference. The shul was small with a large congregation so that on the Yomtovim, entry was by ticket only and supplies were limited. On Yom Kippur one of the brothers rushed up to the shul and went to go in only to have his way barred by a large shaomas. "Where are you going?"

"I am just going in to see my brother."

"You got a ticket?"

"No, I haven't got a ticket."

"No ticket, no going in."

"Listen, I just want to see my brother and get his signature."

"No ticket - no going in"

"It's very important. This is a big deal which will make us a lot of money and we will be able to give a big donation to the shul."

"Where's your brother?"

"Just over there."

"All right, you can go in, but remember, no praying!"

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Swine Flue

"Samuel, come to my son's the Bar Mitzvah tomorrow"

"Sorry Abraham" answered Samuel, "but I can't go because of the Flu. I went to the Doctor and she told me to be carefull of the Swine Flu"

Abraham answering with a sigh of relief "Don't worry then, whatever you eat is Kosher"

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NOTE: this is not a Joke, but a public service to men


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

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from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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