Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    July 2009            
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I Don't Understand the Humor in it...

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me...

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You Must Understand Scootish for this...

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waatar! Et's fool ae coo's sheet an peesh!"

The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England...could you repeat that in English for me?"

The keeper replies: "I said, use two hands - you spill less that way".

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Foot on other Shoe

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'

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Preparing for the Worst

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the rancher.

The rancherr takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is trying to do business today. Let's hope they succeed!

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One from the Tavern

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?"

The parrot says, "In New York, they're a dime a dozen."

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Evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 as the correct answer.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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Moshe's New Car

Two friends sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Moshe?" one asked.

"He got this hare-brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy, and a transmission from a Lexus, and well, you get the idea."

"So what did Moshe end up with?"

"3 years in prison and 100 hours of community service."

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No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and pointed to her blouse indicating to the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)










  What were you thinking?

  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

  Now get back to your emails.




  With you its always Sex .. Sex.. SEX !!

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What is the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

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from the July 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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