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    August 2009            
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Parrots are intelligent you know...

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The startled bartender blurts out, "Where did you get that?"

The parrot replies, "In New York, they're a dime a dozen."

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Great is Learning

Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."

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Dorothy and Zelda, two Jewish ladies, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... steak with all the trimimgs, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tries to tear off my expensive new dress and he has done this with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!.. So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear a shmata

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A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "Shiksa."

The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."

"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A Shiksa will cause problems."

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work."

"It's Shabbos," the son replied.

The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."

"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife, who has converted loves being Jewish and wants us to go to shul together on Shabbos."

"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a Shiksa would cause problems!"

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Matza Ball Soup Recipe

A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles. Much to his surprise, among the rope, flares, cb radio, flint, hunting knife, etc, included in the survival gear, he finds a recipe and ingredients for matzo balls.

Puzzled, he asks his supervisor, “I understand everything in this survival kit except for this. What possible good would this matzo ball kit do for me if I’m stranded???”

He old and gnarled supervisor looks him in the eye and says, “Trust me son. One day, when you are deep in the woods, your food gone, no shelter, fire out…when wolves are howling in the distance and darkness creeps in… when the solitude really starts to get to you --- you'll pull out this matzo ball kit and start to mix it together.

Then, almost like magic, within five minutes you'll have a half a dozen Jewish women hovering over you telling you what you're doing wrong!"

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"Sleepless Night"

David can't get to sleep and is tossing and turning in his bed all night, turning this way, turning that way and keeping his wife Elizabeth awake. Finally she has enough!

"David! What's wrong? Why can't you sleep?"

"Oh, Elizabeth,' says David. It's business."

"What business?" asks Elizabeth.

"I borrowed a million dollars from Samuel next door."

"So?" asks Elizabeth.

"Well, I'm due to pay it back tomorrow."

"So?" asks Elizabeth.

"Well, I haven't got the money."

"Oh my gosh, that's terrible! How will we live if he forecloses on us!" says Elizabeth. And she gets up, goes to the window, throws it open and shouts: "Samuel, Samuel, wake up!" Samuel comes to his window.

"What's wrong, Elizabeth? Why are you making all this noise?"

"My David tells me he owes you a million dollars."

"Yes, that's right," says Samuel.

"And it's due back tomorrow."

"Yes, that's right," says Samuel. "Well, he hasn't got the money and can't pay!" says Elizabeth and slams the window shut again.

David is beside himself. "Oy vey, oy vey, why did you tell him that?" he asks.

Replies Elizabeth: "And you should be the only one to have a sleepless night?"

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The lastest and worst virus of all

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about ahighly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmittedorally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called WeeklyOverload Recreational Killer (W O R K). If you receive W*O*R*K from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out your private lifeentirely. If you should come into contact with W*O*R*K you shouldimmediately leave the premises.Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one orboth of the antidotes: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (W*I*N*E) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (B*E*E*R).

Take the antidote repeatedly until W*O*R*K has been eliminated from your system.You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. Ifyou do not have five friends, you have already been infected and W*O*R*K is controlling your life

Remember not to pronounce this word for W*O*R*K is a four lettered word!

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News Flasher...

NEW YORK ) In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to allow same-sects marriages.

The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch. "Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes perfect sense." The other rabbis agreed. "If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's totally unheard of."

The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups through intersect marriages. "The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage. His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a Vitch."

At a separate news conference, Chassidic women expressed similar concerns. "It's less confusing when our kind marries their own kind," said Rebbetzin Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas.

To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz. "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family jewels."

Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee , N.J. , Rebbetzin Emily Littella of Bobov asked: "Vat's all dis I hear about same-sox marriage?"

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Grilled by the KGB

Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian government:

Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again.

And still not reply.

Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

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from the August 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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