Yom Kippur Humor

    Sept.-Oct. 2009            
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Humor for Yom Kippur

with thanks to George Relles

In anticipation of Yom Kippur, first we have a few thoughts on sinning and atonement:

“A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those worth committing.”
- Samuel Butler

* * * * *

“Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.”
- Josh Billings

* * * * *

“Sin is sweet in the beginning, but bitter in the end.”
- The Talmud

* * * * *

Sign on a synagogue just before Yom Kippur: “Your sins are not so many that you should stay out…

Or so few that you shouldn't come in.”

* * * * *

“It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.”
- Mae West

* * * * *

“Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality.”
- Kahlil Gibran

* * * * *

“Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.”
- Mark Twain

* * * * *

Said one man to the other after the Rabbi’s Yom Kippur sermon on the congregation’s myriad of sins: “Well, at least I haven't made any graven images.”

* * * * *

A Rabbi prayed to God in turmoil over the sinful state of his city, "Lord, most of the people in the city have no interest in following you. And the rest of us are having a hard time holding on!"

God heard the prayer and sent down an angel to investigate the claim. Later the angel reported back that, indeed, things were much worse that the Rabbi indicated. 99% of the city was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah, and the remaining faithful 1% were struggling.

God considered what to do for those who were staying true to the faith. Finally God decided to send a letter of encouragement to the faithful few.

And do you know what the letter said?

Well, DID you know what the letter said?

Surely, you MUST know what the letter said…

C’mon, share what the letter said, already…

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to read my copy?

* * * * *

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is Oxygen on the planet "Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is Oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms yelling "No, no, don't!" and grabbing the match away.

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match...and now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms yelling "No, no, don't do that!"

The astronaut says to his buddy, "It looks serious. What are they afraid of? He turns to the Martian and says We mean you no harm but we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". Before the Martian can react, he strikes the match, which flames up, burns down, and...nothing happens. "Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Yom Kippur!"

* * * * *

Subject: Sukkah

An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue, built a Sukkah on his balcony. Some of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood.

In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help.

And God listened.

Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him:

"Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars.

You have exactly eight days to do so! Next Case!"

* * * * *

Top Rejected Jewish Books from Jewish Authors

Portnoy Is No Longer Complaining: Philip Roth writes this sequel about his hero, Alexander Portnoy in which he has nothing to complain about. In fact, for a whole 312 pages, Portnoy reassures us that in fact he "is fine and pretty well adjusted."

War and a Piece of Cheesecake: Herman Wouk's attempt to write about the Goldstein family and their fight over the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge left from Shavuoth.

Mein Camp: Mel Brooks writes a "campy" version of Mein Kampf in which he desperately looks for the jokes that were unused in the Producers.

The Red Tent: a story of one woman's plight to stand up to her mother about the colors for her wedding canopy.

Chicken Schmaltz for the Soul: A collection of vignettes about gaining weight around the Jewish holidays


from the Sept.-Oct. High Holiday 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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