Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    January 2010            
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The Witness

Mr. Popowitz is called as a witness in a trial. "How old are you?" asks the D.A.

"I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one."

"Excuse me? What did you say?"

"I said, I am, kaynahoreh (no evil eye!), ninety-one years old."

"Sir, the clerk can't type unusual words, please just answer the question with no embellishments," says the D.A.. "I ask you again, How old are you?"

"I told you. Kaynahoreh, I'm ninety-one."

The D.A. is really getting annoyed. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs, "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!"

The defense lawyer rises and says, "Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask the question?"

"If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest."

"Mr. Popowitz, let me ask, kaynahoroh, how old are you?"

Popowitz replies, "Ninety-one"

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Getting Better at it...

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Zaydeh, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Zaydeh, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it,

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The Letter..

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced," I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.

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Shul committees...

should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting

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Remember Moron Jokes?

A moron was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a moron, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the moron went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another moron, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first moron told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, you need to roll up the windows first!

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Be on the look out...

Did you hear a guy was murdered in town last night? Police found the victim face down in his bathtub, which was filled with milk, cornflakes, and sugar.

They think it was a cereal killer.

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A balanced diet for a child...

is a cookie in each hand.

(My wife too)

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A Bit Blue...

Four Jewish Ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg.

First lady says, "you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

Next lady says, "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also..... I am a obsessive Yenta. Excuse me, I have some phone calls to make."

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Found in a Waste Paper Container

My Dear Moshe,

I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won't you please, please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you.

All my undying love



PS Mazel tov on winning the top lottery prize this week.

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Daddy's Little Girl

Little Leah comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Leah's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Leah, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know Papa ," Leah says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

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from the January 2010 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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