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Jewish Proverbs to Contemplate on Purim

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

One old friend is better than two new ones.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

A wise man hears one word and understands two.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them . Albert Einstein

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Ten reasons for celebrating Purim
(as if you need them!)

10. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.

9. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.

8. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one will know who you are.

7. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka -- the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.

6. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.

5. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside.

4. You get to drink wine & you don't have to stand for Kiddush.

3. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.

2. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.

And the number one reason

1. Mordechai - 1; Haman - 0.

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Purim and Hearing

How do we know that the people of Shushan were hard of hearing?

It says in the Megillah:

Vayi'he bemay Achasvarosh.. who? Achashvarosh!

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Another Purim Pun

Question: Why didn't Esther receive Mordechai's e-mail, warning her about Haman's plan to kill the Jews?

Answer: She had the Achash-virus on her computer.

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Health Advice from Well Known Doctor:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach..

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

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Last Person Report:

Saddam Hussains's hangman was recounting the execution and was asked if the dictator had any last requests.

"Certainly he did," said the hangman, "Take this rope off my neck and get me an AK-47."

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In a Hillbilly Bar & Grill

A guy walks into a redneck bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist..."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tar-nation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Point to Contemplate

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

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A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself

The financial situation at the moment is so bad that some people are now marrying for love.

The Doctor said, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I've amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that the other leg doesn't have to be amputated at all."

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Seeing Straight

Mendel goes into the optometrist's office. He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked."

She says, "You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room."

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from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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