Jewish Humor and Jokes



   
    April 2010            
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The Jokes and Humor Page

sent in by our readers...

It Happened in Shul...

A Gabbai approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I 'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"

The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."

The Gabbai says, "No, I need YOUR name."

"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.

"How can that be your name?" asks the Gabbai.

The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."

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Seniors -- don't mess with them!

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store..

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... ... Only two left."

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The Password is...

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Remember, you don't have to have light hair to think like a Blonde .

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Jewish Pet Lovers

A fellow in Boro Park decides that he wants a pet. Going into the neighborhood pet store, he's quickly attracted by the bright plumage and poise of three parrots. Pointing to the first, he asks the Jewish pet store owner, "How much for that parrot?"

He is stunned by the reply: "Five hundred dollars."

"What could possibly make that bird be worth that kind of money?" he wonders aloud.

"Well," explains the owner, "this parrot knows the entire Tanach (Five Books of Moses, the Prophets and Writings) by heart!"

The customer says the first three words of a number of biblical verses and sure enough, the parrot flawlessly completes the verses!

The fellow expresses his amazement, but, noting the stiff price tag, points to the second parrot and asks the price. He's even more astounded when he hears: "Two thousand dollars!" To explain the steep price, the store owner continues, "This parrot knows the entire Talmud by heart -- with the commentaries of Rashi and Tosafos!"

Twenty minutes of testing follow, with the parrot responding precisely and correctly about even the most obscure Talmudic subjects!

Deciding that two grand was out of his price range, the customer pointed to the last parrot, hoping for a reasonable buying price. "Oh, that one? He's $5,000."

The customer exclaims, "What can this bird possibly know that could even remotely justify that outrageous price?!"

"Well, we really aren't sure what he knows," admitted the store owner. "But the other two call him Rabbi!"

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On Marriage...

The first man married a woman from New York. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house-cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Israel. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

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Overheard in the Court...

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

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The Proof is in the...

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

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Quote for the Day...

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen

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Consider...

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

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~~~~~~~

from the April 2010 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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