Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2008            
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The Sports Repairman

Three bubbes are sitting around and bragging about their children.

Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first class honours degree from Harvard and now he’s a doctor making more than $250,000 a year."

Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first class honours degree from Princeton and now he's a lawyer making half a million dollars a year."

Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school, never went to university but he now makes one million dollars a year working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "So what's a sports repairman?"

Ethel replies, "He fixes football games, basketball games, baseball games....."

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Marital Advice...

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as you family."

I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

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It Happened in Heaven

An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi.

When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"

The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."

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Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .....
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....
do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America .....
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

(I love this one)
Only in America .....
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

....and they tell the rest of the world how to live!!

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Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't Women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
(this has baffled me forever)

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemon?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Yah....WHY WHY WHY!!!!!

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!
If CON is the opposite of PRO, is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Sign in an optometrist window:

If you don't see what you want, you've come to the right place.

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Growing Together...

A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans. I went out and bought a convertible.

Then she bleached her hair. I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots.

Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a "tummy tuck." I got an implant.

And that's the way it’s been for the two of us: side by side -- growing young together.

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At the Dinner Table:

A family was having dinner and the little boy said, "Dad I don't like the holes in the cheese!"

The father replied, “Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate.”

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In Court...

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

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At the Beach...

The weather was very hot and the rabbi was driving by a lake. He wanted desparately to take a quick dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom on it.'

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My Cousin David...

David, a teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed to give him an evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, watching every move. The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.

The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"

The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career! He turned to the mother and asked, "My goodness, how long has this been going on?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."

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from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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