Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2008            
Search the Jewish Magazine Site: Google


Search our Archives:

» Home
» History
» Holidays
» Humor
» Places
» Thought
» Opinion & Society
» Writings
» Customs
» Misc.


The Sports Repairman

Three bubbes are sitting around and bragging about their children.

Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first class honours degree from Harvard and now he’s a doctor making more than $250,000 a year."

Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first class honours degree from Princeton and now he's a lawyer making half a million dollars a year."

Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school, never went to university but he now makes one million dollars a year working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "So what's a sports repairman?"

Ethel replies, "I'm really not sure, but he tells me that he fixes football games, basketball games, baseball games....."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The Engagement

Jacob, age 86, and Rebecca, age 82, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The Pharmacist answers, "Yes.."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.. The works.."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure.."

Jacob: "GOOD ...We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

What happens when a fly falls into a cup of coffee?

(An examination of curious national predilections.)

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli- sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Good Advice...

You see, Doctor, “I'm always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.

“Well,” said the doctor, “try getting up half an hour later”.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Sound Familiar?

“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.

“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *


Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

From the Bandstand...

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The War that did not Happen...

The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!"

"How big is your army?" the Iranian president asked.

"There's me, my cousin Moishe, Avi Goldberg and our pinochle team!"

"I have a million in my army," said the president.

"I'll call back!" said Mendel.

The next day, he called. "The war's still on!" We have now a bulldozer, and Goldberg's tractor."

"We have 16,000 tanks, and the Iranian army is now two million men."

"Oy gevalt!", said Mendel. "I'll call back." He phoned the next day.

"We're calling off the war."

"Why?", asked the president.

"Well," said Mendel, "we've had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The 'Man' Rules for Women to Know

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (must admit, it's pretty good..)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note…these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. ...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The Driver...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep quiet for once!!'

The wife smiles and says, 'Well, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,'Can't you be quiet?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *


from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (