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    October 1998         
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To understand fully this story, you must realize that in Soviet Russia, food was very scarce, problems were numerous, and drink, that is, alcoholic beverages, were in supply. The generation that had to with stand the Stalin and Krushchev regimes bolstered themselves with alcohol.

This alcohol was cheap in cost and cheap in quality, yet it served it's purpose. One of the many Russian imigrants to reach the shores of America, continued on in the tradition of his homeland. He would buy the cheapest alcohol available, 96 percent alcohol, and he would drink this on a daily basis.

At the age of 96, he was suddenly rushed to the emergency room of the hospital. Feeling weaken and ill, the doctors monitored his condition and finally anounced to him that he had water on his chest.

"Hmmpf! I knew that the 4% water in that alcohol would never do me any good!"

SUGGESTIONS FOR TASHLICH (The ritual performed after Rosh Hashanna, by going down to a body of water and saying prayers for forgiveness, which is customarly ended by throwing some bread crumbs into the water)
Consider these options:

For sins committed in New York, use Apple Cake
For sins committed in Seattle, Coffee Cake
For ordinary sins, White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For singing off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Do you know why are there so many Cohen's in the Israeli telephone book?
They all have phones.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
The man answered: "My wife found out about it."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:
"Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care, just as long as you're out of this house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -
I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful!!!!


from the October 1998 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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