Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    February 2011            
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The Best Lawyer Joke Ever...

A lawyer and an elderly Hasidic man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Hasidim are so dumb that he could get over on them easily. So the lawyer asks the Hasid if he would like to play a fun game.

The old Hasidic man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500".

This catches the Hasidic man's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The elderly Hasid doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the Hasid's turn. He asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down the hill with four?"

The lawyer is stumped, so he uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Interet. He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Hasidic man and hands him $500. The old Hasid pockets the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the elderly man and asks "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Hasid shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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Place of Death...

Two guys are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar mitzvah drinking too much. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Morris says. “Why?” asks his friend. “Because if I knew I would not go there “Morris replied.

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Re-Fill the Pill

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

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Thoughts on Aging...

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

You know you are old when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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Chelm’s First Medical Student

Chaim Yankel, a resident of Chelm, made his neighbors proud by being the first member of his town to be accepted into medical school. While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of the medical students.

"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Chaim Yankel, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders Chaim Yankel, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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She knows when not to ask...

Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky, “Oh no, not another new dress and accessories for another party! Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”

Becky replies, “I may be a bit materialistic, vain and a social climber; but I'm certainly not inquisitive!”

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Who is a Jew?

Of the ongoing controversy among Jews about what constitutes actual Jewishness, there is an old joke:

Two terrorists hijack an airplane. One enters the seating area with an assault rifle, and asks loudly, "Who is a Jew?!"

A smallish, balding man in seat 112 stands up and says, "Dis is a vary difficult qvestion dat you ask."

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Practice Makes Perfect...

A little girl was sitting on her Zaida's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the bookand reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,

"Zaida, did G-d make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "G-d made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Zaida, did G-d make me too?"

"Yes, indeed,honey," he said, "G-d made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "G-d's getting better at it, isn't he?"

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The Other Guy...

Hymie is sitting in the dentist's chair and is just about to have some extensive and expensive cosmetic work carried out on his teeth. Moshe, his dentist, smiles at him and says, "Just before I start, Hymie, I'd like to tell you how lucky you are coming to me for this work. When I've finished with you, you'll be another man entirely."

"I'm pleased to hear that, Moshe," says Hymie. "So don't forget to send your invoice to this other man."

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The Operation...

An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?."

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

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from the February 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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