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    April 2011            
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Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like MissionControl, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh..

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Chasid, be Careful in Texas

A big burly young Chasid from the Mea Sha'arim ultra Orthodox area went to America to schnoor money. As he travel around the country he came to a far out place in Texas where he came to the synagogue to pray the afternoon service.

He announced that he had a obligation to lead the services since he had to say kaddish for his father. A small elderly local man told him that he also has an obligation to say kaddish and that he wanted to lead the service.

The Chasid asked him for whom was he reciting the kaddish?

"I am saying kaddish for my father-in-law' replied the skinny man with a thick pair of glasses.

"A person who has an obligation to say kaddish for the father has precedence over that of the father-in-law" asserted the Chasid.

"Who says?" countered the man.

"That is what is written in the code of Jewish law. You obviously don't read much and certainly appear fairly ignorant" the Chasid told him with disdain.

"Well, in these parts we don't know so much what written in them books, sonny, we have a different approach to settling disagreements."

"Yeah," sneered the stocky Chasid, "what do you do?"

"Well, like all disputes in this area. One guy gives a slug to the other, then the other guy gives a slug to the first and then the first slugs the second guy and then the second the first, until one of them gives up his claim."

The big Chasid looks at the skinny old man, expanded his large chest and smiled, "OK, I'm game. Try me out and hit me."

The little man took a step back and gave a fierce kick into the Chasid's groin. Needless to say the Chasid doubled over in pain, fell on the ground and started screaming in pain to the merriment of all the congregants who watched the scene with smiles on their faces.

After about fifteen minutes of excruciating pain, the Chasid finally was able to pull himself up from the floor and seeking bloody revenge he said with his teeth clenched, "OK, now it is my turn!"

To which the elderly man said, "You know, if you really want to lead the service, I withdraw my claim. Go ahead and lead the services."

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Dedicated Drunk

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

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From the Cock Pit

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA;
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One old Jewish passenger yelled, 'oiy vey' you should see the back of mine! '

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Which percentage category are you in?

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going...

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 *

 

 *

 

 *

 

 *

  Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

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The First Bar Mitzvah on Mars

The Jewish astronaut just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian Bar Mitzvah.

An intrigued reporter jumped right in: "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it fun? How was the food?"

The astronaut replied that it was just "OK."

"What do you mean?" snapped the newsman. "Was it the food?"

"No", said the astronaut, "the food was fine."

"Were the people not nice?" countered the reporter.

"No, the people were very friendly."

"Well, then, what was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only OK?"

The astronaut looked at him and replied, "There was no atmosphere."

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Points to Ponder

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

and for our health food concious readers:

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

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From them good ole boys:

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

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* * Slightly Blue Joke * *

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

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A Joke with a Moral

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Hamberger Stand where he ordered her a Kiddie Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

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With the Girl on the Plane

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

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~~~~~~~

from the April 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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