Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2008            
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Great Anniversary Idea...

Morris asks his wife, "Where shall we go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"

Sarah replies, "How about somewhere I've never been."

So Morris says, "Okay, so how about the kitchen?"

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Sin no More (no less either!)

Distressed over the commission of a sin, Moshe goes to see his rabbi, "Rabbi, last week I didn't wash my hands before I ate, and I am very upset about it."

"Well, that's not the most severe sin in the world, but why did you not say the blessing?" asks the rabbi.

"Well the food itself wasn't kosher."

"You ate non kosher food? This is much more serious. Why would you do such a thing?"

"Well Rabbi, they didn't have any kosher food in a non kosher restaurant."

"You couldn't find a kosher restaurant to go to?" asks the rabbi incredulously.

"What on Yom Kippur?'

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Rejected Jewish Books from Jewish Authors

10. Portnoy Is No Longer Complaining: Philip Roth writes this sequel about his hero, Alexander Portnoy in which he has nothing to complain about. In fact, for a whole 312 pages, Portnoy reassures us that in fact he "is fine and pretty well adjusted."

9. War and a Piece of Cheesecake: Herman Wouk's attempt to write about the Goldstein family and their fight over the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge left from Shavuoth.

8. Michael and Me, the Strangest Pairing Since Borscht and Sour Cream: Rabbi Shmuely Boteach explores the relationship he has with Michael Jackson

7. Mein Camp: Mel Brooks writes a "campy" version of Mein Kampf in which he desperately looks for the jokes that were unused in the Producers.

6. Crime and guilt: Confessions of a Jewish Boy who eats a ham sandwich on Yom Kippur who is wracked with guilt but washes it down with a tall glass of cream soda anyway.

5. In My Father's Basketball Court: Isaac Bashevis Singer discusses how he "got schooled" by his father in a one-on-one game with his "Tatti." The problem is that Singer discusses this one 7-point game for 745 pages, which makes for very boring reading.

4. How To Marry The Asian Teenager of Your Dreams: Woody Allen's dating tips.

3. How High: The unauthorized biography of Reb Shlomo Carlebach brought to you by the writers of VH1's Behind the Music.

2. The Red Tent: a story of one woman's plight to stand up to her mother about the colors for her wedding canopy.

1. Chicken Schmaltz for the Soul: A collection of vignettes about gaining weight around the Jewish holidays

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I Really Can't Hear this One...

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’

Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

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the Eulogy

Old man Morris had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s Rabbi talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, how he treated every one with respect and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your father!”

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Overheard at the Hospital

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

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De Word is...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bedmakers will be debunked,
baseball players will be debased,
landscapers will be deflowered,
bulldozer operators will be degraded,
organ donors will be delivered,
software engineers will be detested,
the underware company employees will be debriefed,
and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

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Wishful Thinking...

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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