Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    November 2011            
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Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"Gentlemen, I'm not selling!!!..."

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Could Be Punny

* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

* Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

* I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

* Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discus sing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

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A Declaration

An elderly Hungarian Jew comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"

The Jew thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice day!"

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A Distant Relative

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting, jumping up and down and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass this way, he goes nuts."

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Virtures of Order

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place. I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "Well on the one hand, everything is VERY neat and tidy. On the other hand, I haven't seen him since then."

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Got Any?

A duck walks into a bar. Cutest little duck you've ever seen. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "You got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes." The duck walks out.

The next day, the same duck walks in and goes up to the bartender. The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Look, I told ya yesterday we ain't got no grapes." The duck walks out.

The next day, here comes the duck, up to the bartender. The bartender looks at him, and asks, "What'll it be today?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender is pissed now, and he says, "Look pal, you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar! You hear me!?" The duck walks out.

The next day, same duck comes right up to the bartender. The bartender looks at him across the bar and says, "Yeah?"

The duck says, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, kinda confused says, "No."

The duck says, "Glad to hear that, but tell me do you got any grapes?"

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For the Wedding Day

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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This I Learned From Life...

A religious school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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A Near Wife Experience

At religious school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Moshe seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Moshe, what is the matter?'

Little Moshe responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

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and the moral of it all is:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass;
but rather it is about learning how to dance in the rain.

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from the November 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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