Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page



   
    November 2011            
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Marriage and

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Marriage...

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, there are still strings attached.

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Till Death do us...

Wife to Husband: "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."

Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."

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and the Diamond Ring...

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband, "Well, I'm in the bar next door to that shop."

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Doctor Visit...

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

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Dog

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "hey man, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

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Drinks..

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's four-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring at the man opposite her.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

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Apologies to All

[A Classic]

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless midget approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.

The Bishop looked at the man and said, "Are you crazy? You don't have any arms. You can't ring bells!"

The man replied, "I use my face. I come from a long line of bell ringers and none of us has arms. We are excellent bell ringers." The Bishop was curious, so he said, "Let's see how you do," and he took the man up to the bell tower. He pointed to the bells. "Ok, go ahead and show me what you can do."

The midget then took a running start and launched himself at the bells. He proceeded to strike the bells with his cheek, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement. But in rushing forward to strike one of the highest bells, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned, rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, someone in the crowd asked, "Do you know who this man is?" The Bishop shook his head. "No, I don't, but his face rings a bell."

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Big snow storm....

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!

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Marriage again...

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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~~~~~~~

from the November 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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