Humor in a Jewish Vein


   
    December 1998         
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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!
The Jewish Magazine Humor Page.

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to dinner with God.

During dinner, He told them, "I need three important people to send my message to all people. Tomorrow I will destroy the earth!"

Yeltsin immediately called together his new cabinet and told them, "I have two very bad news items for you-
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency joint session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news-
1. Good news-God really exists, and
2. Bad news -- Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to MicroSoft and happily announced, "I have two FANTASTIC announcements-
1. I AM one of the three most important people on earth, and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved!"


"Quickies"

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

Dont take life so seriously....you'll never get out of it alive

Sometimes I think I understand everything.......
Then I regain conciousness

Everytime I think about exercise,
I lie down til the thought goes away.

Eat dessert first!! ..........after all, life is uncertain!!


Are We That Bad??

Two attendants walking down hall in nursing home. Little old lady comes to the door and says to them, "can you please help me and the old man here--our lap tops are locked up again."

The two attendant go inside their room and says to them "now remember Mr. and Mrs. Smith. You have to hold it upside down and shake it to re boot"

As the attendants continue on down the hall, one looks at the other and says, "I wonder if they will ever realize we gave them an "Etch a Sketch?"


Administratium Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was discovered recently by physicists at the Naval Research Laboratory in Jerusalem, Israel. Studies made at the Kennest revealed that the element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of Zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons change places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases aftereach reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and the United Nations. It can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any positive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


The Lone Ranger and his Injun Companion, Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a restaurant one day and sat down to eat. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside."

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the restaurant to finish his meal.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the restaurant and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know........You left your Injun runnin"!!!"


"Obituary"

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the obituary page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, tell me, where are you calling me from right now?"


What goes faster than a Ferrari????

A young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads320mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!

Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!


"Modern Mottos and Thoughts for your day"

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

6. I doubt, therefore I might be.

7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. A fool and his money are soon partying.


Some Eternal Thoughts

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

3. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

6. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

7. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

8. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

9. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


WON LINERS

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be

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