Jewish Humor and Joke Page


   
    February Purim 1999          
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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

Jews and Such
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So these two bees are talking and one says that he's really hungry. The other says that one of the best places to find good food is at a bar mitzvah and he knows of one going on right now! So the two bees buzz over to the shul and the first is staring greedily at the food.
"Just fly right in and get to it!" says the knowledgeable bee, "But be sure to wear this little yarmulke."
"Why do I need that?" says the hungry bee.
"You don't want to be mistaken for a wasp!"

Aunt Ada's Rules for Jewish Living
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?

5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.

6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

7. Always whisper the names of diseases.

8. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

13. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

15. No meal is complete without leftovers.

16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.

19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.

20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

The Captain and the First Officer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke, "I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The FO said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."

The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN FOR BELIEVERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday, and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in G-d, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"

The Drunk on the Subway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. Needless to say, the priest became uncomfortable at the smell and appearance of his seat mate.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

In his annoyed state, the priest retorted "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be....." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

THE BAKER'S ASSISTANT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter or for wurst.

Quicky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows locked up... no wait, he already does."

How Many....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First call a committee meeting, then perhaps we can make a meaningful decision.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.
* One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.
* Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
* Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."
* Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho- halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real loose, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does,
one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does,
one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does,
and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q. How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it is still burning bright.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant vee should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Qvikies...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a BROKER?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? (21 for those who don't understand)

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

KEEP LAUGHING. IT DEPRESSES THE ENEMY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road, After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed, as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach....)

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"Master, Master!.......The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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~~~~~~~

from theFebruary Purim 1999 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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