The Jewish Humor and Joke Page



   
    March 1999 Passover Edition            
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Jews and Such

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert & Get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says: "What, are you crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

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Quickies

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a BROKER?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? (21 for those who don't understand)

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

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Another One Like This and We are ALL Lost!

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Schmendel... "Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...

"Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son..

"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."

"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father..."

"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha...

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?

"No..." says Chutzpah...

"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?

"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.

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Quick Question and Answers

Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"

Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the Vacuum cleaner.

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If it weren't true it would be funny!

Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."

Sam replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

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A Jewish Dog

A man walks into synagogue with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says,"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "pray!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a skullcap and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to pray.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"

"You speak to him," says the man,"he wants to be a dentist."

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Only a Jewish Mother Can Help Our Like This!

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.

" Force yourself ", she replied.

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The Merger of the Year

Did you hear that Al Italia and El Al were merging to form a new airline?

It's called "Well I'll tell ya.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only at a Jewish Grocery Store

A lady was in the grocery store, looking through the frozen turkeys, but she was having trouble finding one big enough for the large holiday meal she was planning for her family. She stopped a passing stock boy, and asked him, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied politely, "No, ma'am, I'm positive they're dead."

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Food for Thought

I think if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I'll think about that until lunch time.

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The New Pasta Diet

There's a new pasta diet - Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping ....

Where there's smoke, there's dinner....

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Always Explain Things to Children

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

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Read this first!

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

~~~~~~~

from the March 1999 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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