Jewish Humor and Joke Page


   
    Issue Number 21, May 1999          
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One-Liners

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

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One Upmanship

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls.

"Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS ?!?!"

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Observations on Life

Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason

I went into a restaraunt yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The kid at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate the shirt to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- Billiam Coronel

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
- A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
- Rita Rudner

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bartering

In Morocco, a Jew and an Arab shared a farm. Times got hard and they decided they had to slit up. But how to divide the assets was a problem: All they had left was a goat, a cow, and a hen.

"I know," said the Arab, "You take the hen, and I'll take the goat and the cow."

The Jew refused.

"OK then, you take the goat and I'll take the cow and the hen."

Still his Jewish partner refused.

"OK," suggested the Arab, "let's eat the cow now, then I'll have the goat and you have the hen."

Still the Jew refused.

"I'll tell you what," said the Jew, "you can have the goat if you like, and the cow and I will take the hen."

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Grammar Lesson

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though...

"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.

"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're Velcome!!!"

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Too Much Jewish Jokes

Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him,

"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Don't you know some jokes that aren't about Jews!"

So he starts again, "Okay, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The First Jewish Woman President

Jewish woman President is elected president of the United States.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?...Her brother's a doctor!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levels of Royalty

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money...broad square shoulders...terribly handsome... dresses very well...tight muscular body... no stomach bulge... wears only the most expensive suits... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog In The Synagogue

It's Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services are about to begin. The synagogue is packed. As the congregants are milling around, shmoozing before services, everyone seems to be distracted by a man who has brought with him a St. Bernard dog. "What chutzpah! " an elderly woman whispers aloud.

Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the dog behaves.

The next morning, the man and his dog arrive early and promptly begin dovening. This time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed.

The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service begins. The man and his dog are back, and this time, just as the hazzan is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-ROOOOOOOCH....!" more melodically than the best hazzan.

After the service, everyone is clamoring to meet this man and his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says, "That's one talented pooch you have there. You know, you should really consider sending your dog to Rabbinical school."

The man looks down, shakes his head, throws up his hands in disgust and says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Determining the Sex of a Computer

A rabbi had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE JEWISH DICTIONARY-DON'T YOU LOVE IT?!
A "MUST" Glossary if you do not know the Jewish Language

AFIKOMMENTS
n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

ASHKESHNOZZIM
n. A nose the shape of Florida and the size of medium potato.

BAGELA
n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE
n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.

BLINTZKRIEG
n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!". Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.

BRIS AND TELL
n. A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story.

BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 am so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU
n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISCAHKENTUDE
n. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn.

DISKVELLIFIED
vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid.
(In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification)

DISORIYENTA
n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

FLEISHADICK
n. A Jewish flasher.

FEELAWFUL
n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

GOYFER
n. A gentile messenger.

HEBORT
vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE
n. Israeli aftershave.

HINDSTEIN
n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA
n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

ISROYALTY
n. Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF.

JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP
vb. To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

MAMATZAH BALLS
n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION
n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN
slang. "My son, the genius."

MINYASTICS
n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

SANTASHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHLERM
n. The wrinkled end of a Hebrew National salami.

SHIKSABOB
n. A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt.

SHOFARSOGUT
n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

"The PRINCESS"
n. "Daddy will buy it for me" principle.

TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT
n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

YENTILITY
n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information.
Key phrases include, "trust me", "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY
vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. ___________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to become a Cohen

A man came to his rabbi and told him he desperately wantsd to be a Cohen. the rabbi was gently explaining to him that it doesn't work like that but this guy was haveing none of THAT. He pulled out his check book and said he was prepared to make a LARGE contribution.

OH said the rabbi - that's different. the transaction concluded and the man having been pronounced a Cohen, they sat down to shmooze and the rabbi asked him why it was so important that he be a Cohen -

oh, said the guy - my father was a Cohen...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah Know that You Know dat!

A Jewish man passing thru Texas for a few day stay on business checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier town. Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff.

He ordered a beer. While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible the biggest burliest, scroungiest looking speciman walks in and proclaims, "Ah hears there is a Jew in here!"

The Jewish man cringes, says nothing.

"Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the western man. The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a remote place as this. He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"

The westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is Nothing Sacred!!

Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs, traditions and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their correspondence:

"Sacred",
"Top Sacred" and
"OY, Don't Ask !"

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Enough is Enough!!

~~~~~~~

from theIssue Number 21, May 1999 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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