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    July 1999, Issue Number 23          
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x o x o x o x o x o x

THINGS MY JEWISH MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My Mother taught me LOGIC -
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE -
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you !... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes....don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me RESTRAINT -
" Don't eat so fast. If you don't chew, you don't digest, and the doctor will have to remove your stomach. "

My Mother taught me the UNKNOWN -
" I gave you 50 cents last week. Where did it go ? "

My Mother taught me RELIGION -
" If you don't learn Hebrew, you won't be Bar Mitzvahed, and if your not Bar Mitzvahed, I'll die of embarassment !

x o x o x o x o x o x

Beethoven's Finale

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

x o x o x o x o x o x

In the Bar

A guy goes into a bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over, and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

x o x o x o x o x o x

Disorder in the Court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: 'What disco am I at?'

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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Q: Did he kill you?

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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn'tyou?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

x o x o x o x o x o x

JEWISH TEST

Keep track of how many of each letter you choose!

1. There are no Jews living in:


a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:

a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:

a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:

a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never

a. lies
b. closes
c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are

a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means

a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:

a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive

a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is

a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is

a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that

a. aren't kosher
b. cost too much
c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to

a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish

a. black belt
b. obscene caller
c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing

a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a

a. horse
b. back hoe
c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about

a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied, or you're from either Florida or New York.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider buying a Nathan's franchise

x o x o x o x o x o x

"How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace,
Part II"

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

E-mail nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk. (Seasonal)

Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas, donuts, etc.

Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will follow.

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

x o x o x o x o x o x

The Yankees versus Kol Nidre

Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".

The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for"

Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?

x o x o x o x o x o x

English Understood

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should then be...
...... GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

x o x o x o x o x o x

"Giving to Charity?"

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says, "Well then... and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

x o x o x o x o x o x

"The Dying Man's Wish"

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his rabbi, and his lawyer.

"I know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the rabbi says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

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Enough is Enough!!

Hey! Just a second! If your really got down to the bottom of this page, hows 'bout doing us a favor and send us your favorite joke! We really appreciate your input.

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from the July 1999 Edition of the Jewish Magazine



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