Jewish Humor and Joke Page

    Issue Number 25, September 1999          
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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!


The Low Down in Heaven

Harry was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, G-d himself greeted him at the pearly gates, asking 'Are you hungry?'

'I could eat,' Harry replied. So G-d opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Harry looked down into Hell and noticed inhabitants there devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, G-d again asked Harry if he were hungry, and Harry again said, 'I could eat.'

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Harry noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Harry noted, 'Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like kings. 'I just don't understand.'

'To be honest, Harry,' G-d said, 'for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook.'


The Incredible Jewish Dog

A man walks into shul (synagogue) with a dog. The shammas (attendant) comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag (prayer shawl) round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"(pray).

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur (prayer book) and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible!

You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."


It was MY Mother

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

" Force yourself ", she replied.


The Jewish Mentality

Mr. Kartoffel always went to the same restaurant in the Lower East Side every day for nearly 30 years. Always, he ordered the same thing: A bowl of chicken soup, a danish, and black coffee.

One day, after the waiter had served him the usual, Mr. Kartoffel said:

"Just ah minute. Vaiter, I vant you should taste mein soup!"

The waiter was, quite understandably, taken aback:


"I vant you should taste mein soup!"

"What's wrong with it?"

"I vant you should taste mein soup!"

"Mr. Kartoffel, you've ordered the same thing for 30 years! What can be wrong with it now?!"

"I vant you should taste mein soup, vaiter."

Exasperated, the waiter sighed and reached for the spoon....

"Hey! Mr. Kartoffel, where is your spoon?"



In the Russian Army

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?


Top 35 Oxymoron's

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron....

1. Microsoft Works



Starting Monday, everyone adopts the Jewish calendar, the year will be 5760 and we will have 240 more years to fix the problem - or wander in the desert...


The Last Request

A Catholic man, a Protestant man, and a Jewish man find themselves standing at the gates of heaven, with heavenly angel standing at their side. The heavenly angel informs them before they enter the Lord¹s realm, they may have one last earthly visit, if they so desire.

"I will allow each of you to observe your own funeral, but first you must tell me what you would hope to hear your surviving family say about you on this occasion."

"I would hope to hear them say, "what a great man I was, and what a prolific and caring father I have been to my large family." said the Catholic.

"I would hope to hear them say, "what a kind and generous public servant I have been, and what a large number of lives I have touched with my generousity." said the Protestant.

After giving the matter careful consideration, the Jew replied, "I vould hope to hear them shay, "What,... I think he¹s moving!"



If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do the people drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer ?

If a mime swears, do you wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, practice?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


For Golfers Only

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing golf.

A guy name Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"

The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks what have I got to lose. He finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services and leads a holy life. About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71.

He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.

"Beth Shalom" is the reply.

The Rabbi retorted, "Dummy, that one is for tennis!"


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