Jewish Humor and Joke Page


   
    Issue Number 26 October/November 1999          
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Hanging up Mezzuzot

A wealthy, English, Jew buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realises that he's forgotten something - to put mezzuzot on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly; however, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you "

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Last Will And Testament

The Last Will And Testament of Samuel Benjamin Cohen

"I Samuel Benjamin Cohen, being of sound mind do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.

To my son Sheldon, my first born and the best dentist in the United States I leave one million dollars tax free.

To my daughter Jayne who was wonderful and always helped her mother with the dishes, graduated from college and is not married yet because she is too particular, I leave one million dollars.

To my loving wife I leave (whatever is not in her name already) two million dollars. Enjoy, sweetheart. Enjoy.

To my brother-in-law Louie, who smoked fancy cigars, (mine) who lived with us ever since we got married, and who always said that I would never ever mention him in my will,,,,

HELLO LOUIE!"

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Quickie

Did you hear about the snail who was run over by a turtle? He was asked what happened and he said,

"I don't know, it all happened so fast".

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HADASSAH POWER

A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival, one of the admitting angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would just have to wait. At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until the computer error could be corrected. Sure enough room was found, and they all went down to their new temporary quarters.

A few hours later G-d received an urgent telephone call from Satan, who said that He must take the Hadassah women off his hands.

"What's the problem?" G-d asks.

Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air conditioning system."

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Explaining Talmud:

"Rabbi," the man said, "Explain the Talmud to me."

"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

"The dirty one," answers the man.

"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself."

"Now, another question:
If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."

"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself."

"Now, one more question.
If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either one."

Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."

The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is this some kind of a joke?"

"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."

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The Jewish Patriarch

A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.

"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.

"I am, kayn-aynehoreh, (with out the evil eye) eighty-one."

"What was that?"

"I said, I am, kayn aynehoreh, eighty-one years old."

"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"

"Kayn aynehoreh, eightly-one," the old man replied.

The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!"

The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge,

"Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man,

"Kayn aynehoreh, how old are you?"

The old man replied, "Eighty-one"

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Getting Information in the Hospital - Jewish Style

A little lady called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said,

"Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Dahlink, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information, from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please? That's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, Dahlink! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, and her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

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The Last Dying Breath

Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,

"Mama --- you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Sammy --- you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Isadore --- you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rosalie --- you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rachel --- you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

With his face purple with rage, struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "So who's watching the store?"

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Jewish Logic

Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy; you'll need another stamp."

Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"

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How to Join a Gentile's Country Club

Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.

First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.

Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one.

Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street ( New York Jewish ) accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.

Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...

Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, aka Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.

The chairman said, "Please state your name."

In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."

"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"

"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."

The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"

"I am a Goy."

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How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's safe deposit box if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?

Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!_)_%@&*^)_*!#___*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

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ACTUAL PERSONALS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build a Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar, B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts & deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No baggage, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track & field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

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Enough is Enough!!

Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the October/November 1999 of the Jewish Magazine

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