Hanging up Mezzuzot
A wealthy, English, Jew buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is
finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realises that he's forgotten
something - to put mezzuzot on the doors. He goes out and buys 50
mezzuzot and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from
bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will
chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly; however, when he
comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his
entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy:
you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the
that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you "
Last Will And Testament
The Last Will And Testament of Samuel Benjamin Cohen
"I Samuel Benjamin Cohen, being of sound mind do hereby declare
this to be my last will and testament.
To my son Sheldon, my first born and the best dentist in the United
States I leave one million dollars tax free.
To my daughter Jayne who was wonderful and always helped
her mother with the
dishes, graduated from college and is not married yet because
she is too particular, I leave one million dollars.
To my loving wife I leave (whatever is not in her name already) two
million dollars. Enjoy, sweetheart. Enjoy.
To my brother-in-law Louie, who smoked fancy cigars, (mine)
who lived with us ever since we got married, and who always
said that I would never ever mention him in my will,,,,
Did you hear about the snail who was run over by a turtle?
He was asked what happened and he said,
"I don't know, it all happened so
A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard
turned over and all were
dispatched to heaven. On their arrival, one
of the admitting angels
let them in. He told them that the
admitting computers were down so
would just have to wait. At that moment G-D
intervened and said
would speak to Satan to see if they could be
temporarily housed in
until the computer error could be corrected.
Sure enough room was
they all went down to their new temporary
A few hours later G-d received an urgent
telephone call from Satan,
that He must take the Hadassah women off his
"What's the problem?" G-d asks.
Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are
ruining my set-up. They
been down here only a few hours and already
they have raised
$100,000 for a
new air conditioning system."
"Rabbi," the man said, "Explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb
up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one
"The dirty one," answers the man.
"No. They look at each
other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean man thinks he is
dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself."
"Now, another question:
If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out
clean, which one washes himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told
me, Rabbi. The man who is clean washes himself because he thinks he is
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean
man knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes
"Now, one more question.
If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either
Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could
one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash
The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same
question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is this
some kind of a joke?"
"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."
The Jewish Patriarch
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness
"How old are you?", asked the District
"I am, kayn-aynehoreh, (with out the evil eye) eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynehoreh, eighty-one
"Just answer the question!" yelled the
D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynehoreh, eightly-one," the old man
The judge said, "The witness will answer the
question & only the
question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked
"Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards
the old man,
"Kayn aynehoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
Getting Information in the Hospital - Jewish Style
A little lady called Mount Sinai
Hospital. She said,
"Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Dahlink, I'd
like to talk with the
gives the information about the patients.
But I don't want to know
if the patient
is better or doing like expected, or worse,
I want all the
information, from top
to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said,
"Would you hold the line, please? That's a
very unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and
"Are you the lady who is calling about one
of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, Dahlink! I'd like to know
the information about
in Room 302."
"Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg,
Farber --- Finkel. Oh yes,
is doing very well. In fact, she's had two
full meals, and her
doctor says if she
continues improving as she is, he is going
to send her home Tuesday
The woman said,
"Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going
home at twelve o'clock!
happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said,
"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be
one of the close
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah
My doctor don't tell me nothing!"
The Last Dying Breath
Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his
last. His family had
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a
barely audible voice he
"Mama --- you here?"
"Sammy --- you here?"
"Isadore --- you here?"
"Rosalie --- you here?"
"Rachel --- you here?"
With his face purple with rage, struggling
to his elbows, the old
"So who's watching the store?"
Moishe walks into a post office to send a
package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too
heavy; you'll need another
Moishe replies, "And that should make it
How to Join a Gentile's Country Club
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known
never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.
First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses
Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.
Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his
Semitic profile into a Nordic one.
Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street ( New
York Jewish ) accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.
Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the
Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, aka
Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"I am a Goy."
How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It
should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software
Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come
to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
safe deposit box if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers,
losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation
program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and
sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything
else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt
to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!@!_)_%@&*^)_*!#___*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you,
in a clear, step-by-step manner,
how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
ACTUAL PERSONALS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos
candles, celebrate holidays, build a Sukkah together, attend brisses,
bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis
Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar, B'Tammuz. Seeks
companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my
independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking
for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share
your innermost thoughts & deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll
understand your insecurities. No baggage, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track &
field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
Enough is Enough!!
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.
from the October/November 1999 of the Jewish Magazine