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THE EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH
Note: The words "my true love" can be replaced with the Yiddish "mein Liebhen."

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me:

  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 4 potato latkes
  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 5 bowls of chicken soup
  • 4 potato latkes
  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 6 pickled herrings
  • 5 bowls of chicken soup
  • 4 potato latkes
  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 7 noodle kugels
  • 6 pickled herrings
  • 5 bowls of chicken soup
  • 4 potato latkes
  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me:

  • 8 Alka- Seltzer
  • 7 noodle kugels
  • 6 pickled herrings
  • 5 bowls of chicken soup
  • 4 potato latkes
  • 3 pounds of corned beef
  • 2 Kosher pickles and
  • Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

PS: For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot (grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 greps. Please note that the Yiddish "mein Liebhen" should not be used since it means in Hebrew "my Yogourt!"

TOP 8 REASONS TO LIKE HANUKKAH

8. No roof damage from reindeer.

7. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.

6. If someone messes up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.

5. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races.

4. You can use your fireplace.

3. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.

2. Cheer optional.

1. No Irving Berlin songs.

Sin-agogue Mistakes
Skip This if you are very religious

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.

The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book...if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rabbinical Supervision is Recommended

A rabbi was walking home when he noticed a congregant walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the congregant had entered a Rib Joint. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the congregant pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a slab of pork ribs to the congregant. Then he saw the congregant take the ribs and start eating the traif meal.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?" Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand." The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, one of my most holy congregants, with all this traif (non-kosher) food!"

Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the Rabbi.

"Did you see me order the food?"

"Yes, I did" said the rabbi.

"Did you see me eat the food?"

"Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?"

"Well, then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

This is a true medical breakthrough!!!!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

How to Buy a Chanukah Present for your Man

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Gentile Jokes

All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some Gentile jokes:

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

*********************************************************************

Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!"

********************************************************************

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

********************************************************************

A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says: "OK."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

New State Mottos

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
Yeah, But It's a DRY Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthin'

California:
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We LIKE The Chemicals In Our Water!

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... (Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good)

Illinois:
For Cryin' Out Loud, Don't Pronounce the "S" !

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free!

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We May Be Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Prostitutes and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our JC Is Better Than Yours

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family... We're Not Kidding!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men...And The _ _ _ Are Scared!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Even There!!

An old man was digging in his garden when he saw a strange-looking creature in the dirt. He picked it up on his shovel so he could see it more clearly. It was a tiny little person.

Astonished, the old man blurts out, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm a Martian," said the little guy.

"Oh." The old man thought that over and then he said, "Are all Martians as small as you."

"Sure," said the Martian, "actually, I'm considered rather tall."

Then the old man asked, "What's that on your head?"

"Those are my antennae."

"Do all Martians have antennae?"

"Oh, yes," said the Martian, "we all have antennae."

"But what's that on your antennae?"

"That," said the Martian proudly, "is my hat."

Well, that's different. "Do all Martians wear hats?" asked the old man.

"Oh, no," said the Martian, "only the Orthodox."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

How to Have a Perfect Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

One's Age"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 31. When 46 came up, then she just fainted!"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

@ # % ! # ! $ @ ? % #

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the December 2000 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (www.something.com)

 


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