A Moral Question
Here is a moral question to ponder:
The situation. You are in the Middle-East and there is a huge flood.
have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures
You are taking photographs for a news service, travelling alone,
for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Yasser Arafat who has
been swept away by the flood waters. He is hanging on to the branch of
tree and is about to go under.
You can either put down your camera and
save him or take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of him as he loses
his grip on the branch.
So here's the question, and think carefully before you answer it:
What lens would you use?
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers
after five years came up with the meanest dog the world had ever seen.
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
animal. It was a nine foot long very wide Dachshund. Everyone felt
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were
up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and got close enough to bite the
Dachshund's neck. The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the
dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females
the world and the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
In Flight Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside,
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately, none of
are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And,the next time you get the insane urge
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of us here at US Airways."
You're Having a Bad Day??
You're NOT having a bad day... THESE people had bad days:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. As they were swimming
away they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology
student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with
permanent severe brain damage.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los
Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record.
Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400
day record. His sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him
and his phone and electricity had been turned off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards an electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly electrical current, she hacked him with a plank of wood that had
been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that
moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
AND THE WINNER IS.......
6. An Iraqi terrorist
(certifiable idiot), Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the
See, I told you that you weren't having a
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Jokes to Exercise by
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85
years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97
now and we don't know where she
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my vodka tonic.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR!!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack
was taken to the
While on the operating table she had a
experience. Seeing G-d,
she asked if this was it. G-d said, "No, you
another 43 years, 2
and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck,
She even had someone
in and change her hair color. Since she had so
much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
got out of the hospital
after the last operation, and while crossing the
street was killed by an
ambulance speeding to the hospital.
Arriving in front of G-d, she demanded, "I
thought you said I had
G-d replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
2 Jokes for the Price of One
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when
he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card
table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your robes.
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that
way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared from view. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where
the man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it alright but they wouldn't let me in without a
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices 3 buttons on
the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about 5 minutes,
Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the
desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking
as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace
between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks
Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do
much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the
Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the 2
men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares
himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first
button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds
later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing
happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed,
Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor
in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to
Clinton then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Can you believe that some schlepers out there in cyberspace that complain that our jokes are not Jewish enough and also not funny!
(what a chutzpah!!)
How about sending us a Jewish joke, and if you don't have a Jewish joke, send us a funny one instead!!!
from the Febuary 2001 Edition Jewish Magazine