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    April 2001 Passover Edition            
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Passover

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoth, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

"The Top 10 Rejected Flavored Matzos"

10. Spearmint Matzoh
9. Marshmallow Matzoh
8. Licorice Matzoh
7. Root Beer Matzoh
6. Liver Matzoh
5. Anchovy Matzoh
4. Bubble-Gum Matzoh
3. Chorizo Matzoh
2. Menudo Matzoh
.....and the number one top rejected Matzoh flavor:
1. Bacon Matzoh

P. S.: Next year the rumor is that "Chumetz" flavor matzos will take over the market (and with a very good hechsher it will make a mint!).

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

The Gay Synagogue - "Gay Avec"

Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there's a gay shul. He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's been yearning for. He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay chazzan and a gay rabbi, and the congregation too is mostly gay.

He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him. (There's really no good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.) Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young man's knee.

Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under their tallises rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street.

"Why did you do that?" he cried. "I thought this was a gay synagogue."

"It is," replied one of his ejectors, in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbitzen."

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

"..if THEY Had A Jewish Mother"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

KOSHER COMPUTERS 4 SALE!!!!!!!

While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a CompactSHALOM. Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

* The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

* I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

* The cursor moves from right to left.

* It comes with two hard drives, one for fleyshedik [meat] business software and one for milchedik [dairy] games.

* Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

* The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels."

* When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

* The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

* Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

* Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

* When running Scandisk, it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

* When my PC is working extremely hard, I occasionally hear a loud "OY Gevalt!"

* There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

* After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

* Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball chicken soup.

* If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

* When Spellcheck finds an error, it prompts: "Is this the best you can do?"

* The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

WHY ASK WHY?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Did ancient doctors refer to IV's as "fours"?

Why do we drive in parkways and park in driveways?

Why are they called "apart-ments" when they are all stuck together?

If bankers can count,how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still only #2?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home,why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

Why can't I set my laser printer on "stun"?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why is the alphabet in that order in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you write a book about failure and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

Hey, sometimes a smart alec can be a good thing!

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

Be Healthy in all Occasions

Two friends were visiting the mortuary to pay their respects in the cold of winter.

"Gosh, doesn't Joeseph look great! He looks like a picture of health laying there."

"Well, I guess he ought to he just got back from a two weeks vacation in Florida."

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

Passover Cruise

The Pharaoh decided to go for a ride up the Nile. "Captain of the Guard!" he shouted. "Get eighty Jewish slaves for oarsmen!"

Two hours later, the Egyptian leader was sailing up the river. In the hold, the Jews were rowing at a wicked pace.

Lieberman, the slaves' wit, turned to the rower beside him. "Tell me," said Lieberman, "on a cruise like this, how much do you tip the whipper?"

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

The Plotnick Diamond

Two women are sitting next to each other on an airplane. One is in her twenties, the other in her fifties.

The younger woman says to the elder, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help notice that beautiful diamond ring you're wearing. It's just incredible."

The older woman replies, "Thank you. This is the famous 'Plotnick Diamond' you know."

"The Plotnick Diamond? I've never heard of it."

"Oh yes, it's very famous. The Plotnick Diamond."

"Well," says the younger woman, "it really is beautiful. I would give anything to have a diamond like that."

"NO! Don't even say that!" exclaims the older woman. "Believe me, darling, you do not want to own this diamond!"

"But why not?"

"Because there is a terrible curse attached to this diamond, that' why."

"A curse?" the younger woman asks.

"Yes, a curse. The terrible 'Plotnick Curse.' A curse so awful and horrible that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!"

"Well what kind of curse could possibly be so terrible?"

To which the older woman replies, lowering her voice slightly, "Mister Plotnick."

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

Quickie

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

ho ho ho oiy ha ha ho ho hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ho ho ho yeech

@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the April 2001 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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