The Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.

MYSTERIES-HAVE YOU EVER CONTEMPLATED THESE?

"Life's Little Mysteries"

See if you can justify any of the following:

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start?"

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

"Three Day Pass"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

"How Long Would We Have?"

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered:

"The rest of your life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

"Weather Predicting Cleared Up"

Why buy an expensive weather station? Any old hound will do!

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

submitted by "The CAT"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Stay Away from Jewish Fairies

A couple married for 30 years and were enjoying a birthday celebration. Each of them had just turned 60. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said , "Because you both have been such a loving couple all 30 years, I will give you each a wish."

The wife asked to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A Man, His Wife And The Cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Chinese Laundry Thing

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign: "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking chinese laundry. He can see that the proprietors are clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there are baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone has brought many tourists into the shop.

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase in English, thickly accented with Chinese.

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask that. Is name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?' "He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' "Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' "I say, 'Sem Ting.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~C'mon Man, Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Quickies

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. --
Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:
"Of all the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyyz unir cevinpl.

Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics, or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but what hasn't changed is the fact that I am right.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Oscar Wilde

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli: "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied: "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M-203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in whatever is left of your unit.
-- Army Magazine of Preventative Maintenance

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

On one occasion a student burst into his office saying: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied: "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Don't worry about temptation, as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

"Sir, if we do happen to step on a mine, what do we do?"
..."Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air, and scatter oneself out over a wide area."

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog

I don't believe in a risk free society where the thrills of life are sacrificed for the safety of existence.
- Author Unknown

He who reads these jokes, giggles, and does not send a joke in, is the typical Jewish Mag reader.
--Lazer de'Cohen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~if you can read this, your inteligent enough to send us a yoke!!~~~~~~~~~~~

My jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

You got any ideas? I'm open for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Redneck Drivers License Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob     [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe     [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray     [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue     [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae     [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack     [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M    [_]F    [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left    ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer     [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser     [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed     [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister     [_] Aunt

[_] Brother     [_] Uncle

[_] Mother     [_] Son

[_] Father     [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin     [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your major?

[_] 5th grade     [_] 6th grade

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___

Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck     ____ kitchen

____ bedroom     ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed     ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes    [_] No;    If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer     [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide     [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun     [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow     [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown     [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man     [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Send Us A Joke!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the December 1999 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (www.something.com)

 


HOME
PAGE
 | 
ABOUT
US
 | 
MAKE
DONATION
 | 
SUBMIT
ARTICLE
 | 
CONTACT
US
 | 
FREE
SUBSCRIPTION
 | 
SEARCH
ARCHIVES