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Typically Jewish

Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea. The second also asks for tea. "And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter.

When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of asked for the clean glass?"

----

Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for ten years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in the waiter brings the soup over to his table.

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says as the waiter starts to walk away.

"What's the matter?" the waiter asks, "Every day you take the same barley soup."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein repeats.

"You don't want the barley soup?" the waiter says, "I'll bring you something else."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says once more.

"Okay, okay, I'll taste the barley soup," says the waiter, wearily, "Where's the spoon?"

"Aha!"

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chutzpah

A small Jewish man is sitting on the boatdeck next to a huge sleeping Texan.

The Jew gets seasick and ends up vomiting all over the Texan. The Texan starts to stir. Then to his horror sees the mess he is in.

"You feel better now?" the little Jew asks.

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Quickie

A Hebrew teacher in Chelm declared one day: "If I was Rothschild I would be richer than Rothschild."

"Why?"

"Because I would give Hebrew lessons on the side."

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Chachamim

A chucham (wise man) calls on the rabbi of a town and asks for help. "Everything I owned, Rabbi, was lost when my house burned down in a terrible fire. I've been left with nothing."

"Do you have a letter from the rabbi of your town attesting to this fire?" the rabbi asks.

"I had such a letter, but alas, that too was lost in the fire."

---------

A chacham named Goldstein goes into a restaurant and orders potato latke. When they come he does not like the look of them and changes his order to blintzes. When he had finished he stands up and starts to leave. "Wait a second," said the manager, "You haven't paid for your blintzes."

"What are you talking about?" Goldstein replies. "Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latke for them."

"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."

"Why should I pay for the potato latke? I didn't eat them."

-------

Two Jews are dragged off by anti-Semites before a firing squad. The first one cries, "Stop! Stop! You're murdering an innocent man."

"Sh ... Sh...," say the second Jew. "Don't cause trouble"

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Oldie

Back in the middle ages, in a small European city there was an anti-semitc priest who was an expert in Biblical Hebrew. He was always at loggerheads with the Rabbi at the local synagogue. So he thought he would finally settle the matter in a public challenge. Each would ask the other to translate a Hebrew term and the first to fail to do so would be immediately executed. The Rabbi was terrified, and the Jewish community was in a terrible quandary. Finally a Jewish labourer comes forward. "I am willing to accept the Priest's challenge."

On the day when all were assembled, the labourer was told to ask the first question. He asked, "What does 'ai-neh-nee yoh-day-ah' mean?" The Priest answers, "I don't know." (Which is what the two Hebrew words literally mean). And he is immediately executed.

The Jews celebrate and are very impressed with the labourer's ingenuity. They ask him when he got such a brilliant idea. "I grew up in a village near here," he replied, "and our Rabbi was one of the greatest scholars. One day someone asked him the same question, to which he replied, 'I don't know.' So I figured that if our old Rabbi didn't know, then this priest wouldn't know either."

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The Vision

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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If BBC had reported Pearl Harbor the way they report the Middle East ....

PEARL HARBOR (Hawaii) - December 8, 1941
US Navy officials reported earlier today that a number of Navy warships in the American settlement of Pearl Harbor were suddenly discovered to be sinking. Unnamed sources blamed the incident on a training exercise being conducted by the Japanese Navy nearby.

In Tokyo, Japanese officials said while some civilian fishing boats were in the area, they were unaware of any unusual activity. They repeated their commitment to the peace process, and said that any violence was the direct result of continued American aggression. They emphasized that only peaceful negotiations based on a US acceptance of Japan's leading role in Asia could reduce the tensions between the countries, and called for an international inquiry.

US President Roosevelt, who leads the hard-line Democratic Party, accused the Japanese Navy of a deliberate "sneak attack" on the American fleet. He said thousands of American soldiers had been killed on "a day that will live in infamy." There was no independent confirmation of those figures, which respected Japanese sources say are greatly exaggerated. Because of the belligerent tone of the right-wing American President's remarks, many Japanese consider him to be a war criminal.

The region, in which the US has built hundreds of illegal settlements since its unilateral annexation of Hawaii, has been a flash point since US Admiral Perry's visit to Japan in 1853, which some Japanese consider to have been a defilement of holy Japanese soil by an uncivilized foreigner. Japanese civilians have repeatedly called for spontaneous "days of rage" to protest the intrusion by the American military, which is against international law. Since Perry's visit, more than 120 million Japanese have died, many of them children, and more than 73 typhoons and 213 earthquakes have struck Japan. No earthquakes were recorded in the US.

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Here is a question:

Schwartznegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The pope has one but doesn't use it

Dana international had one and removed it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

what is it?

(scroll down for the answer)...

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a last name.

(........ha,ha,...ha!)
you know what they say, "clean mind, clean body, - take your choice"

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the July 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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