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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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At The Border

At the Border A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one dollar bills.

"Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, 'for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I say.... 'Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your pee-pee'er vit my knife !"

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

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The New Wave

Couldn't biblical characters be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

10. Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

9. Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

8. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

7. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way.

6. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half.

5. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat.

4. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.

3. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002...B.C.E.

2. Job for Nasdaq: 'Nuff said.

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Where the Good News Is..

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Reverend Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.

"What are you doing reading that crappy newspaper?" he says incredulously.

"Better, you should be reading the Jewish Magazine!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Magazine has these sad and disturbing stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news.

In Farrakhan's paper, he says the Jews have all the money ... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press ... the Jews control Hollywood...the Jews are going to steal Iran oil. With this anti-semite newspaper I get to read about good news!"

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George W. Strikes Again

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall," As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"

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The Bronze Statue

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.

The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab".

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Leave it to the Jewish Mother

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

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Typically Jewish

A Russian, a Frenchman, A Canadian and a Jew were hanging out. The Russian said, "Oh, I'm so thirsty", and he clutched his throat. I need a Vodka."

The Frenchman hearing this, raised his hands up and said, I too am so thirsty. "Please", he pleaded, "some wine".

Well the Canadian wasn't going to be left out. In his best innariculate manner, he said, "I'm so thirsty, eh?! I need a beer."

Then the Jews stands up tall and just like the rest of them, he says, "Oy, I am so thirsty. My God. I must have diabetes."

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Natural Sex Differences

EATING OUT
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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Bumper Stickers

Dain bramaged.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

CATS: The other white meat

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

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Subject: Lawyers

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.

"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My gosh, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer....

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"Where's my Rolex?"

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the August 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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