Jewish Humor and Jokes


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.

Its Not What You Ask, But....

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?" So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to G-d and our religion."

Sol sadly goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Men Employees

In a small town in the Israel, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.

"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

######

In this Factory came Moshe, the "New Employee"

The manager noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Moshe," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Cohen, Levy, Schwartz - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Gladman. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Moshe Darling."

"Okay, Moshe, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Quickies

Two hydrogen atoms sitting at the bar. One is looking very unhappy and depressed. His mate says, "What's up with you then?" The sad atom answers, "I've lost an electron". His mate looks surprised and asks, "Are you sure?"
With a sigh the answer comes back, "Yes I'm positive!"

&

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9

&

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk...

&

"Avi, vat are you doin in da bazement?"

"Emma, I make a litta home brew."

"Avi, come upstairs, ve make a litta Hebrew."

&

They say one in every 5 people are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family. It's not my Mum or Dad and it's not me. So it must be one of my brothers - Colin or Wan Ho Li. But I think it's Colin.

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Davening Means Praying?

Moshe dies and seconds later he sees G-d ready to judge him.

"I hope to be judged favorably G-d, how well do you think I did?"

Only a rapid mumble with the words all mushed together comes back.

"Escuse me G-d, I couldn't understand that," says Moshe.

Again, only a rapid mushed up mumble comes back.

"G-d, I can't understand a word you said; you were talking so fast and the words were so mumbled," says Moshe.

G-d replied, "I just wanted you to hear a sample of your davening to me."

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Child Raising Advice

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirins" and "Keep away from children."

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

aMoral Lesson

Uri and Batyah went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. Uri liked to fish at the crack of dawn. Batyah liked to read.

One morning Uri returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although Batyah wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat out. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," Batyah replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate Batyah.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the game warden.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Can a Cannibal

Did you hear the story about the cannibal that passed his father in the forest.
(Think about it - it may be a hard one to swallow, but it will come out in the end)

Same cannibal invited his buddy over for dinner.

Buddy said, "Your wife sure makes a great stew!"

The first cannibal replied, "I know, but I'm really going to miss her."

Same cannabal's son was thrown out of school for buttering up his teacher.

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other, does this taste funny to you!

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Afgan virus from Kabal

Dear receiver,

Ths the Afgan virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afganistan, this is a MANUAL virus. We are trying to do as much damage as possible. Please help us by deleting all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know.
Thank you very much for helping us.

Shukran,
Ollie, the Hacker.

On second thought, please email this to every one that you know FIRST, and THEN delete the files on your hard drive. The method mentioned above doesn't seem to work effectively.
Thanks

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Missing in Action

We are missing a joke to put here. Please send us yours.

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Shoe Repair

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

The following is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Israeli equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is supposedly a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure. Meanwhile, we think of him as a closer relative to Wiley Coyote.

Dear Sir,

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

@ @ @ @ @ @ Send Us A Joke!!@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the October 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles
The Current Monthly Jewish Magazine
To the Current Index Page
Write to us!
Write Us
The Total & Complete Gigantic Archive Pages for all issues
To the Big Archives Index Page