Jewish Jokes and Funny Stories


Jewish and Israeli Jokes and Funny Stories


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Question: Do you know what the difference is between a schlamazel and a schlamiel is?

Answer: A Schlamiel is a person who gets a job in a restaurant as a waiter and as he is carring a tray of soup bowls, he spills it on a customer. A schlamazel is the customer upon whom the soup got spilled

The Schlamazel and the Hat

A Chabad Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says.

"Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on the young man's shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack. In the first race, he sees that there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1. So he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. In the third race, he bets on Bowler. In the fourth it's High Hat, and so on through the day.

.. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money she says?" "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat. Which horse won the race?"

"It didn't matter. The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Submitted by Mendel Dubinski

Gimme a Break!

Then there was that Yid from Brooklyn that never learned how to read. As it happens in life, he died, and his soul was summoned in front of the Heavenly Court.

"Hmm", the ministering angel said, mussing his white beard, "We see that you never did any mitzvot (good deeds) so we can't let you into Paradise."

"It's not my fault, I never learned how to read! How am I supposed to do a mitzvoh if I can't read? It's not my fault! Give a guy a break!"

"Well," the angel answered, looking around to make sure no one could see. This isn't really an excuse, but you happen to be a nice guy and you are related to my wife's side, and if I don't let you in, she'll give me hell."

The angel took out a piece of paper and wrote down some instructions and gave it to him. "Listen, you probably won't like Heaven so much since every one sits around and learns the Torah together. If you can't read, what enjoyment will you get?

"I noticed that all of your buddies are down there in Hell having a good time together. Take this note. You can try out Heaven and if you don't like it, show this note to the Guardian Angel. He will let you leave Heaven and try out Hell.

"If you don't like Hell, then show this note to the Guardian Angel there and he will let you out. You may then return to Heaven."

The fellow went to Heaven. Sure enough, every one was sitting around studying the Torah. The accomodations were very nice, the food excellent, but after several days he became bored since he could not read. He decided to see what his friends down below were doing.

He approached the Guardian Angel who guarded the door to Heaven and presented him with the letter. The Angel put on his specticles and read the letter. "OK, so you want to leave? Fine, have a good time." He opened the gates and the fellow left.

After taking the elevator down, he was admitted into Hell. It was nice seeing his old friends and exchanging jokes and playing cards with them. But there was a constant fire that made it very hot. The food was always burnt and the cola and beer were served boiling hot. Enough to make anyone want to leave.

So our friend decided to go back upstairs. The weather was much better there and the food and drinks were truly a delight. Approaching the Guardian Angel at the gate of Hell, he presented him the letter of permission which enabled him to leave Hell if he so chose.

The Angel looked at it and apologized. "Sorry, I never learned to read."

by Chanoch Bleier


from the December 1997 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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