Jewish Humor and Jokes


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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Chanukah Gelt

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign: Five Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!

Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the five hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the money," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.

"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."

"How much is it?"

"Only a two hundred and fifty dollars, and it's worth at least three hundred and fifty."

Feldman peeled off five fifties and gave them to her. The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."

"How much more?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars."

Feldman handed over the money.

"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress,

I'll simply die."

"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"

"Only a hundred dollars, Daddy dear."

Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

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Stock Market Alert

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

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Long Yarn (not for squemish or amish)

Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe says, "OK".

The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is burried in Poland."

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Advert

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43

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A Definitely Jewish Joke

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"

The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."

After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"

Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."

Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"

To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."

"Funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"

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Jewish Guilt is 100% Pure

A Jewish mother gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.

When she came over to visit, the boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"

"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"

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A Quick Snort

Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?
A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.

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Two Quickies

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

# @ #

Man says to G-d: "G-d, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

G-d says:"So you would love her."

"But G-d, the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

G-d says, "So she would love you".

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Chinese Jews

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?"

The waiter said, "I no know. I go to kitchen and ask manager."

After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

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The Ultimate

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck de party I'm talkin to!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "Vat do you vant from mine life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take dis telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take dis telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes, I remember" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya now!"

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the December 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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