Humor in a Jewish Vein


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Only for a Jewish Mother

A man, we will call Bob, goes to Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City to fly to New York. While he is sitting, waiting for his flight, he noticed a lady sitting nearby and she was weeping. Being a compassionate person, he goes over and begins to talk with her, asking her if anything was wrong.

She says, "My son, John, moved to New York City some time ago and I haven't heard anything from him since he left. He has never called or written or anything. I come here to sit from time to time because he left from this gate and this was the last place that I saw him. When I come here, I feel closer to him than anywhere else."

Bob tried to comfort her the best that he could.

As they talked, the lady said, "By the way. Would you by any chance be going to New York City?"

Bob said, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."

She said, "Oh. Would please find my son and ask him to call me?"

Bob said, "I don't know that I could find him."

She said, "Oh, please do that for me. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."

After she pled with him, he finally agreed to do his best.

She said, "Oh thank you. That means so much to me. His name is John Dunn."

All the way to New York City, Bob wondered, "How in the world am I going to find her son in New York City?"

When the plane landed, he took a cab to his hotel. As the cab was driving down the street, Bob saw on the side of one of the sky scrappers DUNN AND BRADSTREET. He said to himself, "This is going to be easier than I thought."

He has the cab to stop and he runs into the building. There is a lady sitting at a desk when he walks in and he asks her, "Do you have a John here?"

She said, "Yes. Go down this hall to the right and it is the third door on the left."

He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Bob says to him, "Are you Dunn?"

The man replied, "Yes."

Bob says, "Call your mother."

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How Smart Are You?

Keep your score as follows:

20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

The Questions:
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?

The Answers:
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.

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Label Instructions

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through gross stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.......

On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(The English are clever, aren't they . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a case of this happening somewhere? My God!)

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Corporate Genius

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the Top 12 finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.(This was the winning quote from Fred D**** at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used ONLY for company business.(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above"(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I'd wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.(Taco Bell Corporation)

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Brilliant Husband

Becky says to husband Jacob, "Jacob, close the door - it's cold outside."

So Jacob says, "If I close the door, does it gets hot outside?"

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"Thoughts On Diet"

A diet is a weigh of life.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat... fast.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of the local fast food store.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that 'refleshes.'

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their 'lessens.'

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

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Kid letters to God

from actual memos that youngsters wrote to G-d:

Dear God: Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the synagogue. Is that okay?

Dear God: Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.

Dear God: I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Dear God: Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God: My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God: If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Hebrew school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.

Dear God: I don't think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

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"Ten Commandments"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.


from the January 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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