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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!
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Zen Hot Dogs

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything.

"The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris, the vendor, puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

Morris responds, ....."Change must come from within."

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You Can Die From This One!

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the shiva (the people who come to comfort the bereaved after the funeral)."

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Kaddish for Dogs

A very old man had a dog, his only company for almost of 15 years. Regrettably one day, the dog died. He loved your dog like a son, for that reason he went to see his Rabbi and asked the Rabbi if he would say Kaddish (a prayer for the dead) for the dog.

The Rabbi told him:
- Mr. Bernbaum, you know that we are a very Orthodox Congregation, Kaddish is only for the humans, definitely not for animals. The Rabbi -suggested - that there was a new congregation of Reformist, two streets down. Go and request them to say Kaddish for your dog. You know... this new congregation is very liberal, they may say Kaddish for your dog.

The old man thanked the Rabbi, and in the farewell he added : - Sorry Rabbi, before going there, I make you an extra question, I don't know them and I don't want to offend them. You believe that they will accept my donation of $25,000 for their Congregation in memory of my small and dear Moshe??

- WHAAAATTTT!!!!... screamed the Rabbi ...You never mentioned that your dog Moshe was Jewish ! !

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Sex Drive

I had run across the term cybersex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

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"The Israeli Work Crew"

A fellow stopped at a petrol station in Israel and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car, drinking his Pepsi, he noticed a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the Pepsi and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a recycling bin and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us -- me, Yaakov and Mosheke. I dig the hole, Yaakov sticks in the tree and Moshe here puts the dirt back. Now just because Yaakov's sick, that don't mean that Moshe and me can't work."

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When in (Jewish) Rome

Veni, Vidi, Vegi - I came, I saw, I had a salad.

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Dead Horses according to the Corporations

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living- impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's perfor- mance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

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"The Missing Portion Of Book Of Genesis"

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And G-d said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And G-d created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And G-d was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And G-d said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And G-d was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And G-d created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And G-d was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a turkey tonight?" "Naw, said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 50 years ago?"

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods of the Upper Gallil when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

His friend whips out his cell phone, calls 911, and gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, ... then a shot is heard.

The voice comes back on the line, "OK, now what?"

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Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

from the December 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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