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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

Top Ten Jewish Oxymorons

10) Jewish Organization

9) Breakaway Minyan

8) El Al Food

7) Singles Group

6) Israeli Culture

5) Fast Food

4) Plastic Silverware

3) Career Choice

2) Pareve Cholent

1) Orthodox Union

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Final Consensus on Next Israeli Prime Minister

Top ten reasons Arafat should be next prime minister of Israel.

10) World famous personality
9) 1994 Nobel peace prize winner.
8) He fought in all of Israel's wars.
7) He won't draft the ultra religious to the Israeli army.
6) Has the respect of the European community.
5) Is not afraid to mix diplomacy with "other methods".
4) On good terms with premiers of all neighboring countries.
3) His government doesn't have problems passing a budget.
2) Doesn't compromise on important issues.
And the number one reason....
1) He will never, ever, split or divide Jerusalem.

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Warning - Not for Chickens

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

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Jewish Movie Reviewer

An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry. The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator-type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions. The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie.

The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?" "This movie should be rated 'R'," she says, "because those Jews are being fed to the lions!" The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews." "Oh..... Ok. Well, start the movie up again."

A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?"

She points to the screen. "Those lions over there... ....they're not eating!"

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The World Exists Only Because of Little Children

A Hebrew school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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You Vant Everything?

A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur (rabbinical student) and says, "Boy I have a girl for you!".

"Not interested", replies the bochur.

"But she's beautiful ! ", says the shaddchan

"Yeah?" says the bochur.

"Yes. And she's very rich too."

"Really?"

"And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."

"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? . . . She'd have to be crazy."

Replies the shaddchan "Well, dats only a small thing, you can't expect everything!"

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Quicky Quiz

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
        - - Dam.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
        - - A nervous wreck.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
        - - Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
        - - Nacho Cheese.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
        - - Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
        - - Tame way, unique up on it.

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Brillant Remarks that I Overhead

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster, you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

3. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday . . . lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

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Final Line:

"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays (or ethnic jokes)."

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
You Wasted Enough Time, Get Back to Work
How's 'bout sending us Your Favorite Yoke.

~~~~~~~

from the March 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

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