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Just Choking

Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Sammy began to gag.

"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Sammy gasped.

"Sammy," said Morris, "are you choking?"

"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

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The Ways of G-d are Many

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

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One for the Ladies

Esther Greenberg had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner with them. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day"

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8 Dumbest Questions Asked By Cruise Passengers

Does the crew sleep onboard?

What time is the midnight buffet?

Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?

Do you generate your own electricity?

Is this island totally surrounded by water?

Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?

What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?

How high above sea level are we?

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My Mudder

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.

Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding. . . . "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

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Are You Willing...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Synagogue Names

The new marketing strategy of targeting groups has finally reached synagogues.... Some of the new congregations follow:

For Gay Congregations - B'nei Feggela

For Chinese Congregations - Anshei Dragon

For New York City - Temple Rush, Rush, Rush

For Chicago - Etz Chaim Capone

For Atlanta - Acheinu Ayn Sherman

For Breighton Beach - Acheinu B'nei Yisroel v'Vodka

For Borough Park - Shaarei Peyos

For Hungarian - Am Goulash

For German - Precision You vill go to shul

For French - Aish Hatorah of oo-la-la

For Canadian - Anshei Bronfman

For Sports - Elokim Sfat P'nai Nu (AKA ESPN)

For the Homeless - Anshei Schnorrer

For the Fat - Shomrei Zaftig

For those who drop soup - Kehillat Schlemiel

For those on whose laps the soup is dropped - Kehillat Schlimazel

For alcoholics - Am Schicker

For Recovering Alcoholics - 12 Step Temple

For the rich - Tferis Gelt

For social pariahs - Knesset Nogoodniks

For SOB's - Minyan Momzerim

For the Politically Correct - Temple Beth/Bat Hashadim (ot?)

For Rifle Owners - Shaarei Shadchun

For Corporate Types - Kesher Golem

For Meddlers - Acheinu B'nai Futzers

For the Arrogant - Kish Meyn Tokhhes of the Hamptons

For the connoisseur - Cheva Chazarei

For Psychiatrists - Shomrei Schmoozers

For Jerks - P'nai Putz

For followers of the Persian Prime Minister of 450 BCE - Kahal Haimish

For Infants - Young Israel

Frito Lay Aficionados - Nasher b'Yisroel

For the insensitive or boorish - Agudas Zhlub

For Big Deals - Teferis Tzimis

For Nosy persons - Hashomayr Schnoz

For the Ashen - Temple Tush

For those who gossip - Ohev Yenta of the National Enquirer

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Why. . .

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why you never see the headlines: Psychic wins lottery?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

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Smells Fishy

Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Sam comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Morris, " You wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "

Morris says....A 500 pound herring ? Well that's nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship . . . and da candle was still burning! "

They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Morris said to Sam...." Look Sam, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring I'll blow out my candle ! "

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We Couldn't Figure it Either!

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those that understand binary and those that don't. [if you don't get this joke, its ok. . . its funny mostly to computer nerds]

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the August 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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