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The Rabbi and the Sheriff

The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.

One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.

The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."

"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family"

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No Comment

A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital.

He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.

She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, Sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

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What Me Work?

Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?"

Morris replies, "In about 3 months from now?"

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Pronouncing Expresses Social Status

As we are coming up on High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur. Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status.

For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Ford Pickup normally pronounces it: "Yahm Kipp' er".

A person who owns a Cadillac normally says: "Yohm' KeePoor'".

While the driver of the Lincoln says: "Merry Christmas".

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Speaking the Truth

An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.

Morris handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Morris!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

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Finding Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace... It read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of Baskin Robbins rocky road.

You have no idea how good I feel.

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Thought for the Day

Support bacteria. . . they're the only culture some people have.

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Daffy Nision

Q. What is the plural for yenta?

A. Hadassah

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In the Court House

Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"

"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."

"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"

"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."

"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

Irving shouts out, "She did too!"

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Phunny Vuns

We Saved the Best for Last

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much - he became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak ! and heat it too.

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...(are you ready) Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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And finally, there was the person who sent these ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the October 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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