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Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

Morris ran into Jacob while shopping at the mall the other day and noticed that he had a small gift wrapped box in his hand.

Jacob told Morris, "Beckie's birthday is coming up and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said, "Oh, I don't know just give me something with lots of diamonds in it'."

"So what did you get her?" Morris asked.

Jacob smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards!"

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Ya' hear me now?

(This is my idea of priceless!)

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

(I just love this!)

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

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Channuka/X-mas News

MIAMI BEACH, FLA - [] Exhausted and overworked, Santa Claus has decided to convert to Judaism to lessen his workload and decrease his stress.

Mr. Claus's first inkling that Judaism was his new intended path was when he was unloading one particularly heavy bag of gifts and muttered "Oy Oy Oy!" instead of "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa took this as divine inspiration and began some serious reflection on the matter.

Mr. Claus sat down at his desk in the North Pole and itemized the benefits of bringing toys to Jewish children. Most obvious was that there were much less children to service, approximately 3,000,000 Jewish children, as opposed to almost 500,000,000 Christian children. The next obvious benefit was that he had eight days of Hannukah to deliver all of these gifts instead of jamming the entire shipment into one night, which constantly required the already weary Santa to travel at the speed of light to accomplish the task.

Finally, the straw that broke the reindeer's back was the realization that Jewish households had far more delicious cuisine to offer. Gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the like are more palatable than the milk and cookies he got bored of after the second century.

Circumcision won't be necessary for Santa, because that's already been taken of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in a tight chimney.

Santa has left the frigid, brutal confines of the North Pole and has begun his toy shop anew in the sunny climes of Miami Beach, Florida. He has fired all of those annoying elves and replaced them with nice Jewish retirees from New York.

The last piece of the puzzle is legally changing his name to something more in line with his new ethnic atmosphere. Beginning Hannukah 2003, Santa Claus will heretofore be known as the Chimneyshtooper Rebbe. [Martin Bodek]

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Well, Its True, Isn't It?

A girl walks into the department store's drapery department. She tells the sales clerk, "I'd like to buy a pink curtain for my computer screen."

The surprised clerk replies, "But, computers don't have curtains...

"The girl says, "Maybe most,....but I've got Windows!!!"

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Card Players

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."

Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

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I Can Believe This One

A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.

"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."

Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."

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Hello, is this the Levy residence?"

"Ahah, Mit whom you vish to speak?

Is Mr. Levy there?

Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voiking.

Is Thelma at home?

In school is Thelma

Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?

Harry ? In colletch is Harry He should be a docketor

I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?

Mrs. Levy, she shoppink in de supermakkit.

Well, who is this?

Dis? Dis is Daisy, de schwartze.

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For the Medicare Generation

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so, " the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I"m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked:  'NO REFILLS.'"

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In the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass sugery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He relplied, "No money in the bank.."

The nun asked , "Do you havea a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are marraied to God."

The patiient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Abe & Moishe

Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Puerto Ricans were moving in. "Abie, ve haff to move to Westchester," said Moishe.

"Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for toity-tree years. Maybe ve can start stockink Ketolic articles too."

"Vat? Ketolic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuge? Ve're Jews. No Ketolic articles!!!"

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two talliseisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tfillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie: "OK, call dat Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue.

"Abie: "Hello, Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beads - vat you call em, Rosaries? - and 500 crucifixes ... and I need dose things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But - tomorrow we don't deliver... We don't work on Shabbes!!

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Computer Funnies

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

To err is human; but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window.

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the November 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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