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    April Passover 2004 Edition            
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Why is this Night Different?

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.

On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.

Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

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France Takes Action Against Terrorist

Message in light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised their terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate"

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the Canary

In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop Sarah Goldman, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed Mrs. Goldman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you ? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ?

. . . or a dancer?"

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Morris Visits the Specialist

Morris goes to consult a world famous specialist about his medical problem. After the visit Morris asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money? Do you think I'm Bill Gates ?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."

"I can give you twenty," says Morris. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor", says Morris, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."

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Welcome Back

As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane comes to a complete stop at the gate, and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that the use of cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited."

"To those of you who are still seated, we wish you a Merry Easter, and hope that you enjoy your stay in the Holy Land. And to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Passover, and welcome back home."

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Same Sex Marriages

(NEW YORK) In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to allow same-sects marriages.

The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch.

"Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes perfect sense." The other rabbis agreed.

"If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's totally unheard of."

The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups through intersect marriages. "The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage. His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a Vitch."

At a separate news conference, Chasidic women expressed similar concerns. "It's less confusing when our kind marry their own kind," said Rebbetzin Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas.

To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz. "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family jewels."

Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, N.J., Rebbetzin Emily Littella of Bobov asked: "Vat's all dis I hear about same-sox marriage?"

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Two drops of water

(This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till you do.)

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Water, however, is a whole other issue.".

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Recently while going through an airport during one of many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a long robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went to the man and said" Aren't you Moses?" The man answered but just kept staring ahead. The President said "Moses" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said " Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

Well " said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak, Watch" Again, the president yelled.

"Moses!" and again the man stared and stared ahead.

The secret service men went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, " You look just like Moses, Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert."

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Duracel Gets a Heksher

Duracell decided that they wanted a Kosher seal on their batteries.

So they hired an orthodox Rabbi at the Duracell factory.

His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

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I've Eaten There, Too!

Abe and Moshe went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Moshe wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Moshe, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Abe said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the April Passover 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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